August 13, 2014
Email me your pressing questions about life and love at [email protected]
Dear Head Pro,
I've been dating a guy for about 3 months now and everything has been going literally perfectly. We've traveled on the weekends together, met each others parents, and all that other serious relationship shit BUT he still hasn't told me he loves me. He does nice things for me all the time and everything but has never said the words. I know actions speak louder than words but still....why do you think he's holding back??
three little words
Dear Three Little Words,
Well, why haven’t YOU told HIM? I mean yes, I know we condition girls to sit back and wait and let the man advance the relationship, but who’s to say all of his previous relationships haven’t happened such that the woman professed her love first, and that’s all he knows? Keep in mind too that everyone is different. My high school calculus teacher was married to her husband within 3 months of meeting him or something crazy like that. Some people are skittish and date for eons before they feel comfortable with it. As long as he’s treating you great, I wouldn’t worry too awfully much about it. And again, if it really really bothers you, nothing’s stopping you from putting it out there.
He could also just not love you at all,
Dear Head Pro,
As we all know, Tinder is a great source of entertainment at the superficial level, nothing more. However, I was messaged by one of my matches a couple weeks ago and defied all intents and purposes of Tinder by having a rather extended intelligent conversation.
He gave me his number and told me to text him when I decided to accept his offer to take me to dinner. Long story short I texted him a week later to let him know I was in the city with friends because I am too much of a pussy to go on a dinner date with a guy I met on Tinder. But I digress. You know how drunk-trying-to-meet-up-texting goes. By the end of the night he had suggested I meet him at his apartment, at which point I stopped answering. To my surprise he texted me the next day to apologize for "being so disrespectful". Classy touch, sir!
This guy hits all the right notes: attractive, confident, works in biotech research, and a few years older than myself. However, he has not followed up on his offer to take me out since. My two-part question: Does the saying 'if he wants to see you, he'll see you' stand? Should I text this guy or bury this Tinder endeavor. Oh and did I royally fuck up by trying to meet at a bar while I was drunk and with my friends. Don't answer that last one.
Shamed Tinder User and Girl Who Swiped Right
Dear shamed Tinder User,
Holy shit, I think we found the female version of guys who say “m’lady!” Is that what passes for classy these days, apologizing after the fact for making a spurious invitation? Man, I could SLAMCRUSH it so hard on Tinder. But yeah, the “let him come to you thing” still stands. I don’t care if the conversation became “quite intelligent,” and not just because I’ve never heard a conversation described that way that actually was. It’s not as though you two met at the White House Correspondents Dinner - you met on Tinder, which is the internet equivalent of a truck stop bathroom.
He’s probably still on there trolling for tail/entertainment the same way you were. He could even be so embarrassed by his overture that he’s decided to cut ties altogether. Either way, this is someone you have never actually met or even spoken to in person, so I think you’ll be ok if he never contacts you back.
The inviting to a bar thing really isn’t a big deal,
Dearest Head Pro,
The summer is nearing an end and I’ve come to a major issue. The guy I’ve been hooking up with and I go to different colleges. Yes, I went into it thinking it would be a summer fling and I’d use him for my own sexual benefit, fucking duh, but now I actually like him…We just like clicked, I think at least? How do I get him to want to continue something or make myself realize how dumb this is after all.
Dear This Sucks,
Imagine that, liking someone enough to fuck them on the regular leads to liking them enough to do… other things, too. When I worked a shitty sales job shortly out of college, we had a saying: “Features tell, benefits sell” (gag me, I know). Anyway, the point was that you couldn’t just tell someone the details of a given financial instrument and expect them to buy it. You had to explain WHY these features would benefit them. The same principle loosely applies here - don’t try to convince him to stick around by giving him a laundry list of facts about your relationship. Instead, try to convey how and why things would be better for both of you to continue seeing each other. Having trouble thinking of “benefits?” Yeah, me too, which is why LDRs almost always fail. But if you can, that’s your best bet. Otherwise, for the umpteenth goddamn time, it’s nigh-impossible to “make” someone feel something they don’t.
I bet there are guys at your school,
Dear Head Pro,
I had coffee with this guy and we hit it off pretty well. He asked me to hang out later that night but I was busy, then he asked me again the next day - so I think it's safe to say that he likes me (or at least wants to fuck me). He asked me to come over and watch a movie (or to fuck; again, not sure) and he says he lives a "quick 20 minute drive away". Now the dilemma stems from the fact that I'm studying abroad and just got here, don't have a car yet, and generally don't know where the fuck I am or how to get anywhere 90% of the time.
So the problem is this guy suggested I take the bus (ew) from a bus stop that is a 25 minute walk (ew) away from where I live. After I expressed my disgust for public transport, he offered to drive me HOME since it would be late and dark. I didn't text back.
My problem is why the fuck wouldn't he offer to pick me up AND drop me off?After all, he asked to chill. Is chivalry dead, head pro? My instinct is that he didn't want to put in too much effort for a fb... or is this standard for bros these days? Under what circumstances is a betch expected to meet halfway, so to speak? I'm just curious, because I dropped his lazy ass already, but I've seen this happen quite often to other girls too.
Dear Bus-Hating Betch,
Look, this is not some mystery, and chivalry isn’t “dead.” This guy just wanted to fuck you, hence his willingness to put in the absolute least amount of effort possible. What I find most disturbing is that you didn’t decline the invitation because a stranger in a foreign land invited you to his place in the middle of nowhere, but rather because he suggested you get there by bus. Like, really? THAT’S what’s so off putting about this?
Generally speaking, the further into a relationship you get with someone (and hence the less worried you are about “over-investing”), the more expected and acceptable it is to share little burdens like that. If I start dating a girl and I’m the one doing most of the planning and inviting, then sure I’m going to take care of the bulk of the transport duties if possible (except I live in a city so she can take the fucking metro or whatever to meet me like a normal person). But beyond that, once you’re exclusive or nearly so, you just kind of figure shit out. Refusing to pick up any slack, ever, out of some misplaced sense of entitlement is perhaps the fastest way to build quiet resentment in a man.
Sometimes I like taking the bus though, you know?
That's all for this week. Email me your pressing questions about life and love at [email protected]