June 12, 2014
Nothing in particular has sparked this post except for the fact that I’ve seen a bunch of articles on the internet lately to the effect of, “if a girl accepts a drink from a guy at a bar she’s not really interested in, she is a soulless bitch.” No, really, like one article even went so far as to call girls who do this “evil.”
Like okay, glad to know that as far as adjectives go, me taking a free drink that was offered to me is on the same level as Joseph Kony, since apparently that's how we’re throwing the word “evil” around now.
So in this week’s edition of things I think are bullshit, I bring you: this^^.
I’ll start here: A guy sees you at a bar and he’s like, “I don’t know your name but excuse me, miss. I saw you from across the room, and I’ve got to admit that you’ve got my attention. You’re makin’ me wanna say yo!”
And he goes, “I’mma buy you a drank, ooo weee shawty I’mma take you home with me. I got money in the bank...”
Okay, enough with the early 2000’s references.
First things first: a free drink, no matter how hard a betch has pregamed or how much is in her bank account, is a tempting offer. She knows it’s a tempting offer, and the guy knows this, too—that’s why he made it. There’s a reason guys don’t initiate conversation with, “Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I’d like to wrap you in Saran wrap and poke two holes, one for your mouth and one for—“ because no one would agree to that shit…I hope.
It would be one thing if I asked you to buy the drink for me, or if I somehow coerced you into ordering me a vodka soda and then paying for said vodka soda, or if I stole your credit card and was committing fraud, but none of those things happened. You came up with this one all on your own, buddy. And as far as I’m concerned, once the drink is in my hand, our interaction can end at any point.
You think because you dropped a single Hamilton I’m required to talk to you? Nah. Bitch, you could buy me a Lambo and I’m still not required to do anything, including not go back to my friends. That’s the risk you take when you decide to buy me a drink. Getting mad at me for accepting the drink THAT YOU WILLINGLY GAVE ME IN THE FIRST PLACE and then leaving would be like you investing in a start-up that bombed and then getting mad at the start-up for bombing.
And for those of you who are about to comment, yes I’m aware I sort of just objectified myself by comparing women to stock but like whatever I still think the analogy is pretty solid. There are costs and benefits to everything and if you're not prepared for the cost, then don't take the risk. If you want a guaranteed conversation over drinks then go on OKCupid or find a local Nice Girl.
I can't ignore the fact that there is an expectation if you’re accepting a drink from a guy that you’re going to at least entertain him, but guys, think about it: if the only thing you have to offer is the ability to procure a shitty mixed drink, what does that say about you? Like if you can’t catch my attention in the 5 minutes it takes for you to actually get the bartender to notice you standing there, waving your AmEx in his face, then you sound pretty fucking lame and I feel like I’ve just saved us both some time in G-ing-TFO. And I’ve saved you more money, so you should actually be thanking me that I didn’t milk this by making you buy me like 3 more drinks, or even a double.
I get that it’s shitty to have a girl you just spent your hard-earned money on walk away, but damn. That’s why you don’t lead with the fucking trump card! Frankly, I think the only reason you could be mad would be if you bought a betch a drink and she either a) was completely rude about it or b) intentionally dumped it on you or one of your friends. So betches, as long as you said thank you (and meant it...I meannnn you did get a free drink), any guy who’s mad that you didn’t practically suck his dick over a Fireball shot can quite literally go fuck himself.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing