July 24, 2014
Here is a list of things LinkedIn is good for: Organizing professional contacts you’re never use, applying for jobs, and keeping a resume visible online.
Here is a list of things LinkedIn is terrible for: Literally everything else.
LinkedIn, as a core product, is fine. Useful, even. In terms of applying to jobs online, it can’t be beat. The problem is that LinkedIn is full of the kind of people who get moist whenever they hear the term “networking,” and in catering to them they’ve turned the site into a shitshow of business autofellatio. I hate the fucking “professional” headshots everyone has - when did every person with a job turn into a goddamned mid-market real estate agent? Every morning, I get an email loaded with the most asinine, useless “management writing” on the planet - assholes who use LinkedIn as their personal blogging platform to push out bullshit that only they would want to read.
I guess it’s not so much the site I hate as it is the culture. The “personal branding,” the “networking,” the glad-handing. Every action someone takes on LinkedIn strains so hard to sound “professional,” to make the person appear both conscientious and helpful without looking like they want something. Ever seen someone post a question in one of their endless “discussion groups?” The responses are inevitably an unhelpful word abortion of professional jargon, because no one on LinkedIn wants anyone else on LinkedIn to think they’re a real person with thoughts and opinions. It's essentially an online forum for networking fart-sniffers to congratulate each other on their own flatulence. When ESPN’s Darren Rovell wants to rub one out, he opens up LinkedIn, not pornhub.
Even if you don’t watch sports, you probably know who Frank Caliendo is - he’s that miserable fatass who’s made a nice living being horrible at celebrity impressions. This week, because he’s a shameless assclown, he jumped on the two-week old LeBron hype by reading his Sports Illustrated essay in what he calls “Morgan Freeman’s voice.” Here, there’s a video:
Listen to that shit. That does not sound like Morgan Freeman. It sounds like Peter Griffin reading Lord of The Rings while wearing Bane’s mask from The Dark Knight Rises. If we’re being kind, it sounds, at best, like a white man doing his very best Morgan Freeman impression and landing somewhere within the vicinity of the ballpark. Being an impressionist is hard, because to do it correctly the audience has to be able to close their eyes and really believe they’re hearing the person being imitated. Jay Pharoah on SNL is very good at this. Frank Caliendo is not, yet he (briefly) had a sitcom on TBS and a fucking Las Vegas show for two years, and regularly appears on television to this day. I know most people are actually kind of bad at their jobs, but this is unjust. Frank Caliendo is a hack. I wonder what his LinkedIn page looks like.
The other week, my well-meaning apartment building renovated my unit while I was still living here. That was nice enough of them, and in the process of redoing my bathroom they replaced my old, ugly-yet-functional showerhead with shiny new one that sucks big donkey dicks. I looked, and the brand they used specifically manufactures water-saving heads, with this model pumping out a whopping 1.25 gallons per minute. It feels less like a shower and more like there are a dozen guys peeing on me from above. As women, you understand even better than I do the perils of shitty water pressure - your shit, specifically your hair, is just NOT getting clean. Cutting my water pressure in half to save water sounds like a nice idea, but it’s mitigated by the fact that I have to be in the shower three times as long if I want to actually bathe myself. Look, I pay my water bill - how about letting me decide how much of it I want to use. Thankfully, Amazon has models on Prime that don’t suck for like $7. Unfortunately, federal law now limits all showerheads to a maximum flow rate of 2.5 gallons per minute. That’s still not enough. I want my showers to make me feel as though they’ll fillet my skin off at any moment. THANKS OBAMA.