Why PETA Is Literally The Worst

By The Head Pro

Welcome to Literally the Worst, an occasional column wherein I shit on all the shit that’s shitty. This week: PETA, subway petitioners, meal delivery services and climate change denialists. Got ideas? Of course you do. Send them to me at [email protected]


PETA, or “People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals,” is not a social activist organization. It’s not even an out there, quirky-but-benevolent special interest group. PETA is a goddamned terrorist organization. You see, PETA doesn’t want to protect animals - it wants to fucking eradicate all of them, and always has. Why? Because, according to their own website, they believe that domestication is so horrible that the animals would be better of if they had never existed. So, when they’re not throwing paint and shit at people, they do… exactly that! While most shelters (if they kill at all) euthanize around 35% of their animals due to space and resource constraints, PETA euthanizes a whopping 95% of the animals they take in at their Norfolk, VA (not too far from where I grew up!) headquarters.

In their latest stunt, PETA has set their sights on Detroit and the water shortage problem that even the UN has declared a human rights emergency. Their plan? If they commit to going vegan for one month, PETA will “generously” pay the water bills for 10 lucky Detroit residents. You may recognize veganism as that one thing your annoying roommate tried for a summer based on vague health and “ethical” reasons. You may also, as an astute reader, recognize water as the very essence of life (and wetness). Conflating the two, holding lives hostage on the condition of adopting your personal lifestyle choice, is the most asinine thing I’ve ever heard. I’m on to you, PETA. No amount of tastefully nude celebrities will convince me that you aren’t the goddamned devil.

Subway Petitioners

You know these people. You’re coming out of the metro/subway, and a cute person with a clipboard or iPad says “Hey there, got a minute?” Because they prey on our knee-jerk reaction to respond to kindness with kindness, you’re fucked: You’re in for a 10 minute schpeel about how you need to give money to starving children in Africa, or whatever.

For one thing, fuck these people on principle: No one exiting public transportation at rush hour is doing so because it sounds fun - people have shit to do and places to go (like happy hour). But the people, I get - you want to save the world, and you want to earn a living wage doing so. Good for you. The problem is the company behind those insufferable clipboard pushers: Grassroots Campaigns, Inc. is a company contracted by many nonprofits to run those campaigns. The only problem with that is the money you donate rarely makes it to the nonprofit in question, and the people with the clipboards may not even be paid minimum wage. So, yeah. Not only are these people wasting my time (which is priceless), but they’re wasting their own time, too. I’ve found that a lit cigarette is a pretty effective deterrent.

Meal Delivery Services

No, no, I’m not talking about Seamless or Eat24 - love those guys. Last week, I went to a local startup expose where attendees could “invest” (with play money) in the companies, and the startup with the most at the end won… I dunno, a handjob or something. Among the contestants were an app that lets you bypass the US customs clusterfuck, one that blocks bots from spamming and stealing shit from your website, and one that lets small businesses have their own version of the Starbucks app. The winner? This bullshit, which delivers “sustainable, gluten-free locally sourced meals” (at an outrageous markup). Essentially, mail-order TV dinners.

I’m not entirely surprised that the concept exists, but that there are so fucking many services like this out there. How many of these companies can the market bear? How many lazy housewives and/or overpaid 20-somethings exist that are willing to pay restaurant prices for grocery store quality food? You cannot, in good conscience, deliver me pre- or par-cooked meals for me to heat up in the microwave and call it “gourmet.” I’ve tried things like this from Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods, and while it’s edible, it sure as shit isn’t gourmet, and in no fucking universe is it worth $17 PER SERVING for dinner. The startup bubble will burst eventually, and I hope shit like this is among the first to go.

Climate Change Denialists

Every week, you see a news story talking about how more scientists have yet again confirmed the existence of man-made climate change. And, every week, you have some mouth-breathing shithead being all “Global warming? Ha, show me the proof.” If you want to be a moron and question empirical evidence, fine. Go ahead. What I don’t understand is the motivation behind sticking your fingers in your ears and going “lalalalala” whenever someone points out that the climate is changing in significant and unpredictable ways. Is it business not wanting to cut into profits to alter their environmental practices? Is it religious folks, who hold fast to the idea that God gave man Earth as our kingdom to do with it what we please? Is it Tea Party dipshits, worried that environmental regulations are a conspiracy by Barack HUSSEIN Obummer to take away our individual liberties? I’m sincerely asking.

The problem is that it forces science to spend millions of dollars re-researching what they already know to be true. That, in turn, creates a kind of feedback loop where idiots say “well if you’re so sure of it, why do you keep studying it?” The result is that money that could be used to, I dunno, research ways to maybe stop (or at least mitigate) climate change goes to waste. Though we’ll all be dead long before the oceans rise to swallow up New York and DC, it still isn’t right. Then again, this summer has been awfully nice. Never stop changing, climate.

Literally the Worst is an occasional column wherein Head Pro shits on all the shit that’s shitty. Got ideas? Of course you do. Send them to him at [email protected]




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