Why Small Indie Coffee Shops Are The Worst

By The Betches

Let’s go to Hippie Fuck the Government Flower Crown Vampire Weekend Coachella Coffee Shop instead of Starbucks. Starbucks is way too basic.

We the betches need you wannabe hipsters to relax. The only thing worse than your bullshit Starbucks order is that friend who wants to meet at Blank Café or some shit like that. Literally the only reason you want to go to an indie coffee shop is to say you go to an indie coffee shop. You want to seem not basic, we get it. It’s the same reason you wear a goddam flower crown and Coachella. But you’re not hipster. You’re a betch. And the more indie you think you are, the more basic you are.

It’s not like you can taste the difference in coffee. You put so much shit into your drink that it’s half cinnamon pumpkin and half caf soy no whip. And if you do drink the coffee, I’m sure you say “Wow it tastes so much better here!” when in reality you can taste literally nothing different. It’s all bitter anyway. If you were really that into coffee, you would have an espresso machine, not your fucking Keurig.

Maybe your argument is that you’re trying to support a small business against the Big Bad Starbucks Corporation. Your small time coffee shop is doing fine. It charges like five dollars more per ounce for your drink so that those baristas can afford to sit around all day playing their ukuleles while sporting their beards and tie-dye shirts. You just stick to that green lady with a tiara. You're welcome. 




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