November 26, 2014
Welcome to a very special Thanksgiving edition of Literally The Worst. Thanksgiving is a holiday that celebrates undocumented immigrants that refused to learn the local language and accepted government handouts anyway. Shielded by the veil of being a time to break bread and connect with loved ones, Thanksgiving is actually the fucking worst. Here’s why.
The curse of being a young-ish single person (or at least married without kids) is that no one gives a fuck how cool your city is or how far you have to travel - Thanksgiving is about family, and you’ll do whatever you need to do to be with that family, dammit. It doesn’t matter if it’s snowing it’s ass off and I-95 is a goddamn parking lot - get in the car and show people you love them by traveling for several hours, conditions be damned. I’ve found that the secret to this is children: If you have children, people understand that traveling with little ones should be reserved for punishing war crimes, and relatives will bend over backwards to see the new grandchildren. Turns out kids aren’t entirely useless after all! Who wants to let me put a baby in them? It’ll be fun.
Every year, 8,000 internet writers pen the exact same bullshit article about “how to deal with your racist uncle at Thanksgiving,” presumably in the name of “humor.” It’s true, everyone does have that racist uncle. But everyone also has the uncle who hates that uncle, the judgy-ass aunt who gives you shade if you drink alcohol, the wingnut evangelical christian cousin, the weirdo uncle who’s probably gay and no one’s seen for a decade, and the older brother or sister who you know damn well your parents love more than you. The racist uncle isn’t the problem, family in general is the problem. It’s a collection of adult friends you didn’t get to pick with whom you have little more in common than some shared DNA. The better alternative is…
I’d much, MUCH rather share a meal and get shiftaced with friends on Thanksgiving, but of course the collective guilt from everyone’s families would drive the nation to commit suicide. Just please stop calling it “friendsgiving.” That is just the dumbest fucking word.
There is no better indication that Thanksgiving is a shit holliday than the fact that the meal revolves around a dry, flavorless, cumbersome bird. You know who sucks at cooking turkey? Your mother. My mother. Everyone’s mother. And that’s because, unless you spatchcock it or shield it with foil (as thoughtfully noted in our turkey cooking recipe), the breast meat is always going to dry out before the thighs finish cooking. Of course, if you try to tell this to your mother or grandmother or maid or whoever is cooking the turkey, they will sodomize you with a turkey baster for blaspheming the “family recipe.” Fuck turkey. Did you know that Ben Franklin advocated making the turkey our national bird (why the fuck do we even have one of those, anyway?) instead of the bald eagle? This is a man we revere as a “founding father.” That does not reflect well on us as a nation.
Nasty-ass green beans covered in nasty-ass fried onions, mixed together with a gallon of the devil’s ejaculate. Blech. I bet they don’t serve this shit to prisoners. Actually, most Thanksgiving food is bullshit. The pre-game apps are where it’s at. I’d rather eat 500 miniature pigs in blankets before eating a single serving of turkey or GBC, but nooooo. Gotta save room for the main meal! No thank you. Here is a definitive ranking of Thanksgiving foodstuffs:
Hate to break it to you, but you guys are dunzo. He just, like, really wants the opportunity to explore being his own person now that you’re in college, you know? At least you’ll bang one last time, which is nice.
Happy turkey day, everyone!