Why The Leaked Celebrity Nudes Are The Worst: Head Pro

By The Head Pro

Welcome to Literally the Worst, an occasional column wherein I shit on all the shit that’s shitty. This week: Football, Meghan Trainor and anyone who writes anything about leaked nudes. Got ideas? Of course you do. Send them to me at [email protected]


In case you missed it (which would only be possible if you were literally on the moon), the NFL season kicked off this weekend. That, in itself, is a good thing. What’s not good is everything else: Wes Welker, who is of course on my fucking fantasy team, got suspended four games for popping some bad molly. Josh Gordon, the only redeeming human being in Cleveland, got suspended for the season for smoking the drugs. The world just found out that Ravens running back Ray Rice did not, in fact, “defend” himself from his fiancee as much as he sucker punched the living shit out of her. Everything is awful.

Also awful? The games themselves. Literally no one I know’s team won this weekend. Cowboys? SLAUGHTERED by the 49ers. My Bears lost to the fucking Buffalo Bills, who are so routinely bad that I’m pretty sure everyone forgot they were a team, the players included. Redskins? Ha. Ravens? Not so potent without their wife-punching backfield. TAWMMY AND THE PATS? Embarrassed by the fucking Dolphins. The only “expected” win came from the Pittsburgh Steelers, but I’m not friends with any of their fans. Steelers fans are the kind of people who will piss in your sink while they’re in the bathroom, and then tell you about it afterwards.

Anything related to The Fappening

Goddammit, I am so, so tired of reading the same #HotTake regarding the hacking and dissemination of Kate Upton, Jennifer Lawrence, etc. It’s literally exhausting. Because it was such a big deal and everyone wanted clicks without looking like assholes, every media outlet on Earth rushed to publish story after story of breathless, self-righteous commentary about how it was a crime, women are treated like objects, society allows this sort of treatment of women, and that saying anything else is victim blaming. It was the same refrain over and over and over again from every writer with a keyboard.

Of course, they’re right. But the people saying not to take nudie pics if you don’t want them stolen? They’re right too. The intrusion of privacy is a crime, and it can only truly be prevented by not having the property in question. Those are two true statements. They’re also not terribly helpful. While it’s (obviously) true that person at fault for a crime is the criminal, not the victim, it ignores the fact that the people who committed the crimes knew that what they were doing was illegal, and committed them anyway. And of course, telling someone that they shouldn’t have owned something if they didn’t want it stolen is about as helpful as telling an adult who just got electrocuted that they shouldn’t have stuck their finger in the wall outlet.

They write and say these stupid things not because they care about the people involved, or because they want to address the issue: they say them because they want to be “right,” and that’s a lot easier to do by taking a tautological, non-controversial stance on an event, a stance that belies the fact that this happens to thousands of “regular” women (ones who can actually be harmed by such an invasion) every day, and most times these women either don’t know it’s happening or don’t have the resources to retaliate.

Don’t take nude selfies, and if you find that someone has, don’t steal them. There, I just helped exactly zero people.

This Meghan Trainor song

This was pointed out to me by a reader, because I change the station whenever this song comes on because it’s horrible. But the lyrics, it seems, are even more odious. This was what she had to say:

“This is a song for girls who are not fat who think they are fat that reminds that they should think they are fat while making them feel good about the fat bodies they don't have. Oh and also: how fuckable men find you is above all the most important aspect of your body image”

Well-said. I’ve always found it irritating when people produce media in the “love your body” vein. While it’s seemingly a positive message (at least more so than “you’re too fat”), to me it has the same tone as when a dude tells a girl that she should smile more, or that she doesn’t know how hot she is. It’s almost as though people’s bodies belong to them and them only, and it’s no one’s place to tell them how they should feel about them. Fuck, that is patronizing. Do you not think fat people know they “should” love their bodies the way they are? Do you not think it’s possible for someone to be dissatisfied with certain aspects of their body, but still think of themselves (and their bodies) as pretty rad at the same time?

Oddly enough, my demo tape of a song called “There will always be people better and worse looking than you and you can’t do anything about it so just do the best you can with what you have and get on with it" was rejected by every record exec I cold-called. Shame, because I think it’s a pretty catchy title.




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