May 11, 2015
Email head pro your questions about life, love and sexting to [email protected]
Dear Head Pro,
Recently discovered your column and I figured I'd give you a shout for some much needed advice. Well here's the short version; bro meets betch, bro and betch hook up….many times in fact over several years. Betch has feelings for bro, bro doesn't want to commit, cools the attention for a while then comes back when he's horny, repeat. Well, after about 3.5 years of this screwery, I (the betch in question) stopped talking to the bro and a short while later, moved back to my home state. Cool. I didn't think I'd hear from this particular bro again. About 4 months after I moved he FB messaged me and asked me whether I still fantasized about him. Sexting ensued and then he kind of cooled it while sending an occasional text/message to remind me he still exists.
I've always been crazy about this kid and I figured that once we were no longer in the same state it would be easier to forget about him. He couldn't have worse timing as I'm still getting my feet under me after graduating and still in the process of making friends so I'm a wee bit lonely and the thought of him is particularly tempting. My question is, if he's so NOT into a relationship, why is he still hitting me up when he knows I'm in a different state? Is this just a way for him to alleviate boredom? Can you give me any idea where his head's at?
The Betch With No Clue
Dear Betch With No Clue,
I mean, I don’t know why it’s so baffling. You’re very clear that he’s never been one for commitment, and intermittent sexting is about as noncommittal as it gets. To put it another way, texting/sexting you costs him nothing. He knows you’ll respond, so he gets a little ego boost/fap material, and since you’re in a different state there’s absolutely zero risk of him seeing you and getting wrapped up in anything that resembles a relationship. Like, his messages are telling - he’s not saying he misses you or fantasizes about you, he wants to know if you fantasize about him. It’s purely ego driven. In a way, the move worked out as well for him as it did you.
Guys are lazy. We’ll expend as little effort possible if it means some girl, any girl, validates us and makes us feel better about ourselves. I mean, you don’t see women flocking to hookers and pay-by-the-minute cam girls, do you? You never stop placing bets on a sure thing until it ceases to be a sure thing. You’ve lost the game so hard by this point, he knows he’s got it easy. Next time he texts to ask if you still fantasize about his kielbasa in your buns or whatever doubtlessly gross shit he sends, just be like “no, lol,” even if it’s a lie.
Stop referring to other adults as “kid,”
Dear Head Pro,
I started med school (this place where I spend more time smoking weed than I do attending class) 6 months ago and this guy and I pretty much hit it off instantly. We hang out everyday, and I sleep at his place 3-4 times a week. The first couple months we started off as 'best friends' I guess you could say, but over the last 2 months we've been hooking up, and have become very comfortable with each other. Basically it feels like he's my boyfriend, except for he's not. He has an ex at home he still talks to sometimes and he makes jokes like, "why don't you cancel your ticket home for break and come back with me? You could stay at 'insert his ex gf's name here' place?". I can tell that he likes me by the way that he acts towards me, and if for some reason we don't see each other for a day or two he will call me to just check up and chat. The weird part is I know he doesn't want a relationship with me, or anyone right now, and he's openly told me that he plans on seeing his ex when he's at home. I like him, and it feels nice always hanging out with someone who makes you laugh and you can be your total self around, but I feel like I could be setting myself up to get hurt.. I guess my question is, is this one of those things where I should get out now to save myself more hurt in the long run, or just ride it out and hope for the best?
Dear you sound like a good doctor,
I don’t know how many times I have to say it: Do not get involved with people who tell you to your face that they don’t want a relationship with you (or anyone). Like, just don’t. It’s not that fucking hard. Even if at the start you think that’s perfect because you don’t want a relationship either, it’s very odd for two people who like each other enough to act like they’re in a relationship without someone developing those kinds of feelings. And even then, even if you GENUINELY didn’t want a relationship with someone, do you really want a non-relationship with someone who regarded you so little that they didn’t mind saying so? Imagine how well that would work if you were interviewing for a job - “I mean yeah I like this place enough to collect the paycheck, but I don’t really want to work here.” Sorry fucko, no job for you. Enthusiasm matters, even when it's not necessary.
The only caveat in this is that some guys, when trying to convince others (or themselves) that they’re over an ex, they’ll do this thing where they talk about her MORE to make it sound like it’s not a big deal. It’s possible that explains some of this, but honestly? The only thing stopping this guy from slapping a label on it is his desire not to. He’s got the time, you have the rapport, so the only reason things are the way they are is because one day he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship, and you were like “lol ok.” Like, sure, most well-adjusted people don’t go around looking for relationships the way zombies seek out brains, but if you meet someone you like and they drop that bomb on you after you’ve hung out for a while, that’s a sign to get the fuck away.
You’ve outlined two of your options, which are to either get out now or suffer silently. There’s a third, which is to attempt to have the DTR talk anyway. It’s not at all unreasonable for you to say “I know you said you weren’t looking for a relationship, but what we have now feels a lot like one and the way you talk about your ex has started to make me uncomfortable.” You might be surprised by what he has to say!
Email Head Pro your questions about life, love and sexting to [email protected]