Listen, I know that in these modern, Instagrammable times, everybody expects you to be out late and updating your story with increasingly drunken and unintelligible videos until at least 3am, but I’m here to tell you that you do not have to live that life. You should always leave a party early. Do not @ me on this. Think back to all the times you’ve ever left a party early. Did you regret it? Or did you wake up the next day like, “Wow! this is what 10am on Saturday looks like. Crazy.” Leaving a party early is the relief you get from cancelling plans on steroids. It’s the best case scenario. You show up, you take pics while your makeup is still fresh, and you leave before the Lyft surge pricing gets out of control. But for those of you with nosy-ass friends who try to give you shit for leaving parties instead of focusing on the insecurities that are clearly driving them to stay out for wayyy longer than is necessary, here are a few reasons you can give for always dipping before the Sun comes up.
1. Nothing Good Happens After 2am
This is a fact. Just ask the train conductor driving the last train back to Long Island and he will confirm. (Sorry, could be a she, women can drive trains too, it’s 2017.) The point is, there’s nothing you could do at the end of the night that you won’t do better in the morning, so know when it’s time to leave a party and go home. Unless you’re hosting the party there is no reason you should be there when the party ends. The only other exception is if you’re pulling an all nighter in order to make a 6am flight or something, and if you’re flying at 6am you better be going somewhere fucking cool or why would you do that to yourself?
2. Lingering Makes You Look Thirsty AF
The longer you stay at a party, the more thirsty you will seem. Do you think Prince Charming would have chosen Cinderella if he had talked to her for four more hours? No, because he would have lost interest and gone after some other chick who was more mysterious and elusive. Just look at literally any Disney princess as an example. They all got away or disappeared from the Prince, which only made him fall for them harder. Little Mermaid became a mermaid when Eric didn’t kiss her, Sleeping Beauty got bored and went back to bed, and Snow White drank too much and got poisoned which still counts as leaving early.
The reason leaving early is always better for you is because you leave everyone wanting more. Even if your crush is at a party, after a certain point it’s time to get out so he’ll realize you’re gone. There’s nothing better than getting a “did you leave” text from your crush, which can literally never happen if you never leave. If he can’t lock it down before your Uber arrives, just trust that he’ll probably try harder next time now that he knows you have a habit of getting away. Plus, if he really has game, he’ll take your exit as a cue to make a move, which just speeds everything up for you without you actually having to do anything.
3. Nobody Wants To See Your 4am Pics
You put a lot of work into your pre-going out look, and for the first 2-3 hours of partying, it pays off. However, once the clock strikes blackout, we all know that suddenly for whatever reason our entire look goes from happy hour hoe to actual prostitute. Makeup starts running. Your hair gets all frizzy and shit from dancing. And honestly, you start to look like the melted knock-off version of your 9pm self. You can guarantee that the photos you took of you and your besties make you two like a Groupon ad for escorts, but there will always be that one person who doesn’t realize exposed nipples are not a good look and posts. By the time you wakeup a casual 12-15 hours later, the picture will have been all over people’s feeds and even if you send an immediate emergency text demanding its removal, the damage has already been done. Your crush saw the pic. Your ex’s new gf screenshotted it and sent to her group chat with the side-eye emoji and you can’t even blame her. Don’t put yourself in this position. GTFO before anyone even thinks of posting a photo where your arm looks weird. What if your grandkids see it?
4. People Will Think You Have Better Things To Do
Sometimes it’s fun to stay at a party long enough to go to the after party, in which case we say, proceed with caution. If you’re on drugs then we forgive you because what are you going to do, lay awake and wonder if God’s real for the next 8 hours by yourself? However, we still suggest party hopping without waiting around for a party to end, because while we encourage leaving early, we also don’t discourage showing up late. Which means you can still keep your night going without ever being the last one left by the chips and jungle juice. As in, please just have more friends so you’re never just stuck at one place. Because staying at one party too long just makes everyone wonder, if she wasn’t here, would she just be staying at home alone tonight?
And let’s face it, you’re not going to meet your soulmate at 4am. Have you ever heard someone say “I knew she was the one when I got desperate that all the girls were gone and she was literally the only one left”? No, because betches aren’t a last resort, we’re a top shelf limited selection. Don’t be the last beer in the fridge and don’t overstay a party. You want your friends and crushes to treat your presence like fine wine that must be enjoyed. You want people to choose you, and the only way to know you’re not just a drunk end of the night hookup is to not stay until the end of the night.
So betches, leave the party early, because you are the party. Literally fuck FOMO. (Okay, not literally. You know what we mean.) You want people to get FOMO because you’re gone, and not the other way around.
