January 1, 2015
2015 is officially here, which means it's time for everyone to take a good hard look at the shitty stuff they did in 2014 and pretend that they'll do better this year. Self-loathing can take many forms, but the easiest one right now is the New Years Resolution.
New Years Resolutions have been around forever (or at least since I was a kid), but the problem is that they never really work. Setting goals for yourself is great, but expecting your life to change just because it's January honestly sounds pretty dumb. That's like a fugly girl expecting to become pretty just because she walked around Sephora for an hour at the mall. Sorry sweetie, but it takes some effort. And if you really care about getting your life together, you shouldn't need it to be January. The gym is open 365 days a year, and if you had gone last month it wouldn't have been full of plebeians who are only there for the free two week trial. And if your resolution was to quit smoking, like good for you but you should have done that like three years ago.
Another problem with Resolutions are that people usually aim way too high. Betches have short attention spans, so you're way more likely to accomplish something specific, rather than a meaningless resolution like "I want to get organized." This is such a fucking cop out. I don't know about anyone else, but my life isn't so much of a mess that I need literally any form of organization. Try coming up with an actual goal, like writing in a planner everyday, or keeping better track of your money. That way you have something real to work for, and you can actually feel good about yourself for accomplishing something. Also, if I hear one more person say they're going to "eat healthier," I might scream. That could literally mean eating one bag of Cheetos instead of two. But for fuck's sake, don't talk to me if you're giving up gluten. That's so 2014.
With all that being said, hopefully some of you have made actual realistic goals that you won't forget about by MLK day. For everyone else, 2015 is going to be a long year, so don't wait for it to be over to do what you should've done already. Now let me get off my fucking high horse; it's been 2015 for almost a day and I still haven't gone to the gym.