January 6, 2014
Leonardo DiCaprio stars as a former poor boy from Queens with an aptitude for selling penny stocks and being a fucking dick. Jonah Hill co-stars as his funny fat sidekick (TG he’s gained back the weight) with a similar aptitude for i-banking and an even bigger aptitude for saying funny shit, eating goldfish, and pulling a Karen Smith by marrying his fucking FIRST cousin. Well you know you’ve got your cousins, and then you have your first cousins. NBD (Did we mention all of this shit ACTUALLY happened?)
Now Leo has played some real assholes trying to get rich in his day (Catch Me If You Can, Django Unchained, Blood Diamond) and even a rich con artist douchebag from Long Island (The Great Gatsby) but never has he been such a scum sucking road whore as in The Wolf of Wall Street. His ego, even after defrauding millions of investors, punching his gorgeous trophy wife in the stomach, and crashing his car high with his daughter in the front seat, could only be matched by the satanic spawn of Kanye West and Justin Bieber.
When he’s not fucking every woman he sees, doing coke off the assholes of strippers on private jets, or going out for $25,000 group dinners he’s ratting out his friends and scamming innocent people out of money. (We don’t really get how, it’s okay though because Leo reassures us we don’t even have to know what an IPO is to love him and his yacht which BTW was formerly owned by Coco Chanel). Not that drug abuse is funny or anything, but watching Leo squirm an his stage 5 quaalude induced epilepsy was one of the more hysterical things I've seen this year.
So as much as we loved all the drugs, partying, and fancy houses in this movie, the thought of the inevitable plethora of frat bro douchebags who will replace their Patrick Bateman posters for ones of Jordan Belfort just gave me more of a betch induced bulimic nausea than Jordan Belfort’s pre-Quaalude cleanse. Although he’s on the same page as us when it comes to #5 diets and literally his only insults or scare tactics are instilling i-bankers and FBI agents with a fear that they’ll “go home to their fat, ugly wives” the only empowering thing a betch does in this movie is fucking divorce Jordy B upon the immediate realization that he could get 20 years in prison. The fact that Steve Madden and Benihana were the two brands that lead to his short-lived, white collar, tennis loving prison demise prove that if you don't have a good understanding and respect of betches, you'll inevitably be fucked over by companies related to high heels and sushi.
That being said, Jonah Hill was hysterical and it should be noted that that the word ‘fuck’ was used 506 times in 180 minutes.
Here are our favorite quotes:
Donnie Azoff: I'll tell you what: I'm never eating at Benihana again. I don't care whose birthday it is.
Max Belfort: Twenty six thousand dollars, for one dinner!!!
Jordan Belfort: Dad we’re not poor anymore. [to Donnie] Tell him about the sides!!
Donnie Azoff: It was the sides.
Max Belfort: What are these sides, they cure cancer!!!?
Donnie Azoff: The sides did cure cancer there, that’s the problem, that’s why they were so expensive there.
"Brad died at the same age as Mozart. I don't know why that came to mind. It doesn't matter.” – Jordan Belfort #129 making shit up.
Patrick Denham: Let me give you some legal advice: Shut the fuck up!