The Best Bachelor Recap You'll Ever Read: The Women Tell All

By The Betches

Last night’s Women Tell All was actually extremely entertaining. When Chris Harrison spews his bullshit about how it’s the most shocking season ever he’s usually exaggerating but this time he actually may have had a point and wasn’t afraid to exploit the contestants for audience chuckles. This is a particularly awkward night for Chris S. because he has been such a wimp all season and hasn’t vocalized anything to any woman’s faces instead choosing to answer their questions with inaudible mumbles and dolphin laughs.

Chris B. Harrison: Then there’s Brit and Ashley I. who together cried more tears this season than any season ever. LOLZ GUYS! ::entire audience bursts into laughter::

But between the Britt / Carly and Kelsey/every sane person in America drama, the only mystery that remained by the end of the episode was whether or not Britt actually showered this season.

Bachelor Viewing Parties

Ugh I hate the crashing of the Bachelor viewing parties where the houses have decorative balloons out yet we’re supposed to believe that girls have no idea Chris squared is coming. If this were really a surprise, the twenty something girls would be smoking a joint with their hair in homeless looking messy buns while talking shit about the contestants’ eyebrows. 

The first house is like, a divorcee book club?  Who makes this much themed food for a TV show? I think Chris just made out with someone’s mom.

Chris B. Harrison: And here’s some loser guy that also watches the show and is pretending to be straight.

Chris then hits up what looks like a sorority house. These girls are wasted and are acting like feral monkeys that just escaped the zoo. I feel like I’m watching Jumanji.


Britt is such an ugly crier. She really looked like total shit last night. Is she still wearing the glitter makeup from the episode she left? She looks dirty and like she picked up her dress at a Halloween store.

Carly says she was just concerned for her BFF Chris who told her about his deep fear of being abandoned in Iowa by the girl he chooses. I mean yeah Chris, when your hometown makes it so that someone has to take an airplane to get to a movie theater I’d say you’ll have that concern with everyone. Don’t worry the cows will never leave you!

Britt: I thought we were friends because I sat on your bed while you were journaling!! You wrote down my song recommendations and we compared menstrual cycles! Does that mean NOTHING to you?!

Carly: I don’t understand why we’re focusing so much on my friendship with you when that’s the part of this whole thing that is making me look bad.

Carly: If you read Chris’ blog… --  Chris Soules’ blog is definitely the only item on Carly’s reading list. It’s an excerpt from Corinthians followed by Chris’ feelings about Jade’s Playboy nudes.

Britt then defends her love of children: I LOVE KIDS!!!! I’ve worked with children, I built houses for children, I’m a coach for children’s soccer, I keep an emergency stash of toddler’s in my closet!

Jillian then bawls out Carly for telling Chris that she has a dick (which she might) and saying she’s a man to which Chris H. kindly responds, "calm the fuck down."

Chris B. Harrison: Jillian you’re a little jacked up. We see you took too many ‘roids this season.

Side note: Carly has still not fixed her eyebrows.

Britt to Carly: It’s not my place to say that you're mad cause you ugly, but you mad cause you ugly.

Britt pull yourself together you look like maniac. You need to get off him, you just got all your gypsy makeup on his suit.

Chris Harrison to Britt and Chris Soules: Once you guys are done holding each other ever so gently you can have a seat.


Kelsey: They don’t like me because I use big words unnecessarily and I’m going to respect their feelings by using ALL of the following words and phrases in my next three sentences.

How do you evaluate humanity?
-- Chill the fuck out Kelsey this is the Women Tell All not the Netanyahu congressional speech.

Megan: My mom thinks you’re really manipulative. – Glad you’re an adult who can form her own opinions.

Chris didn’t even ask Kelsey anything she just started talking about how she’s feeling. ::Blows nose into Chris H’s silk napkin::

Kaitlyn’s death stare is serious. I wonder what Sanderson’s family think watching this.

Trina the Blonde in Yellow: Happy people just don’t call their husband’s sudden death a story. They just don’t.

Samantha tells Kelsey that she’s the reason she went home and expresses her disappointment that she didn’t get more time with Chris thereby saying the most lines she has the entire season.

Ashley I. then attacks Kelsey again proclaiming that her panic attack had to have been fake because “The last person I’d want to see me on the floor like that in an emotional moment is someone I’m dating.” The audience applauds because of course a woman should only show who she truly is to the man she loves!

Ashley S.

Ashley S. is still fucking crazy and I’ve never laughed harder than the Ashley clip. #MesaVerde

Chris: Who IS Ashley S.?
Ashley: I like ride bikes. That’s just who I am.

Ashley then talks about walking in on the producers taking bets for which girls were going to make it. Someone is about to have the Bachelor Illuminati after them. The first rule of the secret bachelor-betting club is you don’t talk about the secret bachelor-betting club. 

Oh so there is another Bachelor in Paradise and Ashley S. is going to be on it. The other girls are mad jealous. Ashley should obviously be excited that she can be the one filmed talking to the raccoon this season instead of Clare. Did Ashley smoke a blunt before she got here because her life is a continuous bunch of high thoughts? “It’s so weird that we’re on TV.”


Kaitlyn tells everyone that the week she was sent home was the one she was most confident. Don't you know that on the Bachelor when you're confident, you will go home. 

Kaitlyn: He did say “I’m falling in love with you too.” Chris Soules, what a dick.

Chris Harrison: Do you miss him?
Kaitlyn: Totes

Kaitlyn then finally gets her chance to confront Chris:

Kaitlyn: I felt so in love. What happened?
Chris Soules: I just drew straws TBH.


Jade is crying because Chris is wimped out and could not tell her the things he wrote on his blog to her face. He’s basically Cady Heron, just writing her mean thoughts in his burn blog and not saying them out loud.
Chris' blog: Kaitlyn made out with a hot dog. Jade, too slutty to function.

Jade: I just want to know why!? – Um it said why in his blog. And you just told us you read it.

Chris: Your brothers said you were a wild mustang and I never saw a wild mustang. I saw someone who was smart and conservative not someone who had a personality!

Jade: I was upset when you called looking at the photos awkward when you wanted to look at them with me.
Chris: I don’t even know what awkward means. The schools in Arlington are so bad I actually don’t even know how to write.

Chris B. Harrison uses this opportunity to plug his book The Perfect Letter which is probably "the most shocking and dramatic book of all time."

"YOU CAN READ IT, IN A BOOK" - Chris Harrison




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