August 17, 2015
Congratulations. I’ve just found yet another reason to add to your already growing “why I shouldn’t go to the gym today or ever” list. Apparently, #118 Working Out causes wrinkles. Honestly though, can we just be real for a second? I’m all about wrinkle prevention and go to great lengths to make sure I never look over the age of 19, but it’s sort of starting to feel like everything causes wrinkles these days. Like, yeah no shit. You don’t have to be a fucking mathematician to figure out the wrinkle algorithm. Living = getting older = wrinkles = death.
Anyway, there are still steps you can take to minimize the negative effects that certain work out positions can have on your skin (minus the obvious one/my favorite, which is to just stop working out or continue your quest to never see the inside of a gym).
The positions in question involve anything that strains your neck, specifically two major muscles called the “platysmal bands.” You know when you’re at the gym watching people work out on TV and you see that weird hollow thing happen to the front part of their neck as they are straining to pick up weights? Apparently those are the platypus bands or whatever, and if they are strained too hard or too often, premature sagging can happen.
Don’t freak out just yet though. You can stop this from occurring as long as you watch the bands (which tbh just gives you another reason to look at your reflection/eye fuck the bro next to you while you lift your 3 pounders) and relax them when they start to look eerily similar to your grandmother's elbow skin (RIP grandma).
If you’ve been doing this for years you might be fucked but thanks to modern medicine, botox has your back, I mean neck. Apparently you can have your derm inject the poison under your chin to prevent this dire fate from happening to you. Or like I said before, be super preventative/smart and don’t work out. Problem solved! Welcs.