April 25, 2013
Welcome to another installment of Online Dating and Fellating, where you share with the world your funniest and most horrific. Today we hear from a reader whose vagina smell brings all the boys to the yard.
Ok so here are some messages I received in the wonderful world of online dating OkCupid style...
Call Kenny Loggins, because we’re about to enter the danger zone, aka a gauntlet of terrible online pickup artist bullshit. Welcome to the world of canned messages that have been received by every single woman in the last five years because hi, I’m a guy on a dating website and I have no idea what I’m doing. This guy didn’t even try. Nice fucking assessment, Freud. Is she also “playful, but with a serious side as well”? Go fist yourself.
“LOL guys, she’ll think it’s funny and endearing if I say something so obviously creepy that it can’t be, right? Guys?”
Oh, fuck this guy right in his fucking face. There is nothing more pathetic than a guy who makes an attempt to be clever and then crashes and burns like the Hindenburg. “Haha, look how funny I am, I’m asking how many Cheetos she can fit in her mouth!” Realistically, he’s probably sizing up what size ball-gag he’ll need when he stuffs you in his trunk. At least we can all rest easy knowing that you’re obviously the only woman to ever receive this.
Rather than going the pickup artist route, some guys try..... alternative methods. Ready to make shit weird? Let’s make shit weird.
I smell bullshit. One, a bear would never shave someone’s armpits, because hair is a valuable source of beta keratin. Two, there’s no way on earth it would take a hungry bear two weeks to consume a buttered and honeyed human. Maybe two days, TOPS. Maybe do some fact-checking nextime and she’ll change her mind.
Um, Vanilla Thunda (or VT, as his friends call him) is actually a pretty chill dude, provided you follow his instructions to the letter. Did you respond? Did you receive his instructions? VT doesn’t like it when you ignore his instructions. I’ve seen him do things I’d rather not describe here.
An honest question from what I’m sure is a standup guy. Maybe he’s never smelled a vagina before and thinks he does, but wants confirmation. Maybe he’s awash in a sea of vaginas and wants to know which one is yours. Either way, you should answer him. 10/10, would definitely go gay for.