WTF Are The Panama Papers? Explained By The Kardashians

By Blackout Betch

If you’re into international scandals and really fucking bored at work, you’ve heard of the Panama Papers. For those whose can’t bring themselves to care about the news and probably watch Netflix between the hours of 9am and 5pm, we’re here to break down what happened to make Panama relevant again. Or was it ever relevant to begin with? It’s probably a no.

Since this scandal is kind of a BFD—like, the single largest case of data drop in journalistic history—and most scandals people care about these days involve the world-dominating force known as the Kardashian family, we had an idea. We thought the best way to get through this shit was to explain it using Kardashian gifs. Rob and Blac Chyna also got engaged yesterday, so it just makes sense.

It all began when some sketchy guy/girl/whatever using the fake name John Doe messaged an investigative reporter in Germany last year being like, “Yo man, wanna see something cool?” German reporter man thought he was about to get nude pics from some girl on Tinder, but turns out Johnny D. was sending 2.6 terabytes of data, AKA 11.5 million documents.

Not a single picture of a hot girl to be found.

This shitload of data included documents from a law firm in Panama called Mossack Fonseca (sounds exotic, perhaps Kim’s next child’s first name?) tracking billions of dollars for almost 40 years.

We assume the above was how this reporter felt when his computer almost crashed because John D. just couldn’t send him the Skimm version of WTF was going on with this secret money.

Understanding why this money is not just like money your Dad venmos you when you need more tequila, but only have $0.50 in your bank account (thanks for the daily reminder, PNC, now, go fuck yourself) requires a finance degree and a lot more fucks than we currently possess.

Bottom line is that a lot of very important and influential (like actually influential, not Kris Jenner influential) people are moving money to offshore accounts in countries where taxes are low and then potentially using it to launder money or hide incriminating connections. Basically just a whole lot of shady shit going on here.

So do we actually believe John D. and this German team of investigative reporters? Absolutely. The world is freaking out. Yesterday, the prime minister of Iceland was forced to step aside (like stop doing his job for a while—what we all wish we could do, TBH) after people were protesting and shit. The Panama Papers say he secretly set up these offshore accounts and was trying to get money from failed Icelandic banks that received government bailout funds. Uh, yikes.

Confused? Go watch The Wolf of Wall Street, IDK.

Obviously Putin’s name has been dropped in this whole thing because Putin isn’t really well liked by many people on this planet. He wasn’t directly mentioned in the leaked documents, but many people in his rich and powerful AF clique were so people are obvs concerned.

Putin is denying any kind of involvement and telling everyone to fuck off.

So the international community is clearly freaked out over this whole leak, but what about the U.S.?

Obama’s chilling because "only" 1,000 U.S. companies were found to be linked to the law firm in Panama, but no one really gives a shit because these companies are based in Nevada and Wyoming. LOL. Financial regulators in the U.S. are saying what we're all thinking and are like, "whatever those states don’t matter." Next.

We just have a feeling Donald Trump has to be involved in this shit somehow. Like, shady money and corrupt law firms? It just has Donnie’s name written all over it.

TBH, even if it doesn’t, we’re sure he will find a way to get involved, but there’s no such thing as bad publicity in his world.

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