WTF Is Candy Corn? An Investigation

By Betchy Crocker

Every fall, our senses are assaulted by a barrage of pumpkin and candy everything. Pumpkin Cheerios mingle on shelves with leaf-shaped Snickers and Reese's wrapped in witches and ghosts. But there’s one candy that has remained pretty fucking unchanged since we assume the dawn of time: candy corn.

Every year this shit is scattered around stores and always ends up on office floors, in your home, on the street, and scattered over everything you love. It is the glitter of the fall candy world. But where did it come from? You sure as shit didn’t buy it. And also, wtf is it, really?

Candy corn

WTF IS IT?

what is it

According to Wikipedia, candy corn is made from sugar, corn syrup, and confectioner’s wax. Wax? Huh. I didn’t know we could eat that. Anyway, this tri-colored abomination is approximately three times the size of a real corn kernel. I guess the government should declare it technically a vegetable, then.

WHO THE FUCK IS RESPONSIBLE?

Who is responsible

George Renninger of Philly created this shit waaaay back in the 1880s. We find this ironic, since if you were around trick-or-treating age in the 1880s, you’d be expected to get back to work in the goddamn factory.

Renninger’s creation got picked up by the then-named Goelitz Confectionary Company who called the orange, yellow, and white cones “chicken feed.” Appetizing. I’ll let that sink in for a sec. Later, that company became the goddamn Jelly Belly Candy Company. Ever heard of them?

WHY DOES IT STILL EXIST?

Why

Unfortunately, more than 35 million POUNDS of candy corn are sold every year. We don’t understand where it’s going, who’s buying it, or, frankly, if anyone even likes it. It literally tastes like sugar flavored wax. Each kernel is about 7 calories, it has corn in it—if you count corn syrup—and can be deep fried, so we guess it can stay around another 100 years, which is probs its shelf life anyway.




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