WTF Is Going On In Paris?

By Blackout Betch

Chances are you’ve been blacked out all weekend, but you faintly remember someone at the bar talking about some shit going down in Paris late last week. Maybe you even heard the phrase “Je suis Charlie.” After finally coming to terms with your Sunday morning regrets, you probably decided to get your shit together and find out what’s going on where some of your besties are studying abroad so we’re here to help.

Last Wednesday, gunmen attacked the offices of a French satirical magazine and killed 12 people. The name of the magazine is Charlie Hebdo and the targets of the attack were cartoonists who were the true definition of not giving a fuck while simultaneously getting shit done. They often parody major news stories, which leads to major backlash and tons of people getting pissed off. One of the staffers killed was Stephane “Charb” Charbonnier. He once said, “I’d rather die on my feet than live on my knees.” Bro.

The magazine parodied the prophet, Muhammad, so people are connecting the attacks to Islamist extremists. Probably because the gunmen were chanting in Arabic when they went batshit crazy last week. The cops managed to get one of the suspects, but the threat level in parts of France was raised to its highest possible level when the other two gunmen were still trying to fuck shit up.

Things got really out of hand when the assailants starting taking hostages. The president of France confirmed 4 hostages were killed before the police could get there. When police raided the place the terrorists were keeping the hostages, they killed three assailants, and freed more than a dozen hostages. Anyone who has seen Catch Me If You Can knows you don’t mess with the French police, fucking duh.

On Sunday almost 3 million people, including 40 world leaders (aka very important betches and bros), walked through the heart of Paris for a rally to honor the 17 victims of France’s deadliest act of terrorism since the 1960s.

Charlie Hebdo announced it would still continue to print the magazine this week, even bringing up their usual publication number from 60,000 to 1 million. This is something that should get more attention than Beyonce’s most recent Instagram, so the 1 million copies makes fucking sense.

“Je suis Charlie” means “I am Charlie.” Now you know. Only thing we need to still figure out is how to get our hands on this week’s issue of Charlie Hebdo.






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