WTF Is Going On With Hillary Clinton's Emails?

By Betch Ivy Carter

Despite our best efforts to not pay attention to what's happening in the news, sometimes shit gets so much attention that we have to tune in, or risk becoming culturally irrelevant (never an option). So after a week of purposely scrolling past it in my Twitter feed, it's finally time to recognize that shit is going down with Hillary Clinton. Here's the breakdown of what's happened and why we should care. It's no Scandal, but it'll do while we wait for season 5.

The Issue

Hillary Clinton had been using her private email to discuss work matters instead of the super secure one the government provided her.

Why it's a problem:

There are a couple reasons people aren't psyched about this.

1. Hillary Clinton used to be the Secretary of State, which means her work matters were less of “hey can someone from IT come up and set up my voicemail for me” and more like “my bad about Benghazi,  guys.” So, you know, pretty important, highly-classified shit. If you thought the Sony hack was bad, just imagine if actual government secrets got leaked instead of Channing Tatum's illiterate emails.

2. Apparently when you work for the government  (in an important way, not like the mailman) you aren't allowed  to delete your emails. I would imagine it’s just in case you decide to kidnap the president's girlfriend for blackmail purposes and are trying to hide the evidence or something along those lines. Well, Hil heard this rule and was like "ehhhh, fuck it," and deleted half her sent emails anyways. In this case, half means 30,000, in case you needed another reason to not go into politics. Fox News is torn between indignant outrage at her “slippery” Clinton antics (yes, they actually called her slippery) and poorly concealed elation that they have something they can use as ammo for the rest of the 2016 election other than the fact that she has a vagina.

So after days of controversy and rampant rumors, Hillary decides to put the matter to bed and hold a press conference. In the betchiest political move we've seen in years, Hillary pulled a #sorrynotsorry for breaking the rules and possibly putting national security at risk. Basically, she told everyone to calm the fuck down because the deleted emails had been about personal shit like her daughter's wedding, her mother's funeral, and yoga, and the rest of them to the government, which she called an unprecedented move. People are a little skeptical, because not even a rich white woman could talk about flower arrangements and her yoga class enough to justify 30,000 emails.

Even better, she's excusing her mishap by saying it was more convenient to just use one email and one device. Like we get it Hil, it was really hard for all of us to part with our personal emails once we joined the professional world, too, and I'm sure you have a really great handle like [email protected] or something. But that's not the issue we have with you right now.

Our problem is that you were unaware you could have two emails on one phone. Like there's no fucking way Hillary Clinton doesn't own a rose gold iPhone 6 plus, and even less of a chance that she didn't know you could sync more than one email account to it. The blatant disregard for national security we can overlook. But being completely ignorant to the basic functions of the betches one true love: an iPhone? Completely unforgivable.

Obviously, everyone is talking about how this will effect Hillary’s 2016 presidential campaign. Right now it’s all up in the air. Sure, this could all blow over in light of a new political scandal, but since there’s no way to verify the innocence of the deleted emails it’s kind of difficult to convince the public that there was nothing shady going on. If it were us, we would think about putting a call into Olivia Pope & Associates right about now. You know this would hardly even take half an episode to fix.




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