WTF Is Going On With Iraq? Told By Tupac Gifs

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Well betches, it looks like we’ve got another foreign policy scandal on our hands. Faster than you can say, “Bowe Bergdahl,” a bunch of crazy shit has hit the fan in Iraq. As if keeping up with the news wasn’t hard enough, now we have to learn about like two current events per week.

Just like any issue, this one’s complicated AF. So much so that I considered taking both an Adderall and a Xanax just to get through enough articles so I could get a basic idea of wtf is going on. As Kanye said, “All this political discourse is gon’ give me a Tylenol.”

In an attempt to explain this issue to you, and in honor of Tupac’s birthday which was yesterday—two events that have absolutely nothing to do with one another—I bring you: the Iraq conflict explained in Tupac gifs.

Who: Our major players include the Sunnis and the Shiites, and some Iraq government people like the Prime Minister, Nouri al-Maliki.

What: The Sunnis and the Shiites represent two distinct branches of Islam. You may know them from such conflicts as The Iraq War, the conflict in Syria, Iran’s 1979 Revolution, basically this fighting has been going on for a while and shows no sign of stopping anytime soon. Sunni and the Shiite: it’s a tale as old as time.

Where: Pretty much everywhere in the Middle East, except we’re focusing on Iraq now, duh.

When: Like right now. Hellooo, Earth to Matilda…?

Why: Why does anyone hate anyone? I don’t know. I’m not bulimic, I can’t read minds.

OK but on the real, at least in Iraq, shit isn’t good for the Sunnis, in part because the prime minister who is Shiite, pretty much told the Sunnis, “You can’t sit with us” [in the bodies of government]. Also apparently Shiite militants were allowed/encouraged by the government to “conduct sectarian cleansing in mixed areas around Baghdad.” Now I’m not entirely sure what “sectarian cleansing” means but I’d wager to say they’re not exactly breaking out the Clorox.

So, obviously the Sunnis were mad, so some of the more radical and pissed off ones took to to start a petition for better treatment from the government. Lol, jk no that’s not what happened at all; that was a test to see if you were paying attention. If everyone decided to use their words like peaceful adults we wouldn’t be writing about this situation in the first place, fucking duh. What actually happened was a bunch of them got together and started the Islamic State of Iraq and Syria (aka ISIS).

“Yeah okay but why should I care?” might be what you’re asking. And the reason is because ISIS is not like your mom’s book club that meets after work every Tuesday evening to talk about “The Fault in Our Stars,” these guys are really bad news. Like people are saying they’re worse than Al-Qaeda, and if you’re wondering how the fuck it’s possible to be scarier than Al-Qaeda then that’s exactly why this is equal parts important and terrifying. These guys don’t fuck around, like they claim to have killed 1700 hostages and also massacred a lot of of people in the city of Tikrit, aka the old stomping grounds of Saddam Hussein.

And just for shits and giggles, now they’ve captured Mosul, Iraq’s second-largest city.

So, what is the US doing about it? Well Obama was like, “Nah, gonna stay out of it, not my business.”

JK again, do you even live here? Obv we’re not staying out of it. On Monday Obama decided to send about 275 troops over to Iraq.

Tru, Pac. Tru.

“Oh great, here we go again,” you think. “Didn’t we just pull out of Iraq?” Yeah, which gave the extremist group the perfect opportunity to go all Winona Ryder in Saks (aka just taking everything in sight) in the first place. Duh. Also we’re supposedly not deploying troops for combat, only “to provide support and security.” But we all know how good America is at staying out of wars that don’t concern us so we’ll see how that goes.

Obamz over Baghdad is also encouraging the Prime Minister to actually like do shit, like be more democratic and let the Sunnis back into the government, instead of responding with militant force.

Unclear if this is going to help, things are prob going to get worse in the coming months because now it seems like a bunch of angry people are going to jump on the "take over Iraqi cities" bandwagon. Sounds like bad news bears to me. Maybe shit has to get worse before it can get better? Idk. All Which can only mean one thing: more gif explanations.




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