WTF Is Going On With Rob Kardashian?

By Betch Waldorf

Rob Kardashian, the only boy of the Kardashian mafia, has basically peaced the fuck out of the public eye recently. Which is like really hard to imagine because he’s a fucking Kardashian and it’s just not in their nature to avoid the limelight. While being totally MIA from the world, Rob has put on a ridiculous amount of weight and is no longer the sorta hot bro. But lucky for him his sister is a spokesperson for Nutri-System!

No one 100% knows what caused new Rob to eat old Rob, and this weird behavior of him wanting his “privacy.” Obvi the Kardashian clan can’t understand what’s going on with him. “Why doesn’t he want to be famous?! Why doesn’t he want all his issues in the magazines? I just don’t get it!” And when he denied going to Thailand with the family, that’s when everyone was like “wait, is something wrong?”  But of course, it was acknowledged in front of a camera.

Khloe, the only Kardashian that is likeable besides Lord Disick, is actually real fucked up over the whole thing. In the previous few episodes of KUWTK, Khloe has talked about how she feels responsible for his struggles because she exposed him to Lamar Odom, her cheating, crack-head ex-husband. She says that Rob might be like this cause he was exposed to Lamar when Lamar was in a “bad place.” Which I don’t really understand because if your husband is a lying, cheating druggie and you’re still with him, aren’t you the one in the bad place? Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries (quote by Rob Kardashian).

In a way, you gotta feel for Rob. It must suck knowing that your own mother would say on national television that you “gained 75 pounds in a year” all for a fucking ratings boost. And much like girl world, he’s really getting attacked on all ends. His ex-girlfriend, who you only recognize from being a fucking “Cheetah Girl”, made a bunch of irrelevant comments about Rob cheating on her like a zillion years ago and was basically like “I don’t hate you because you’re fat, you’re fat because I hate you.” Like sit down bitch, you’ll only ever be relevant if Disney Channel asks you to come back and play the sassy latino nanny on some new show they make. You know somewhere Raven is shaking her head and being like “that’s not very cheetah-licisious of you.”

People keep saying “maybe he is addicted to drugs!” and it’s like what kind of sadistic person would make themselves fat for a drug. Like honestly. Most celebrities aren’t doing drugs to become obese, so I think we could rule that out. Unless you count Big Macs as a drug, then yes clearly Rob is having an addiction issue. Maybe Rob should check into rehab, they let anyone in these days. Shit, Selena Gomez checked into rehab so she could cry peacefully over Justin Bieber.

Whatever the issue is, Rob Kardashian has officially booted Khloe out of the chubby Kardashian role and the world has no idea what do with that role reversal. Be logical and just get some goddam lypo. Bruce Jenner can totes call up his surgeon on speed dial for you.




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