July 1, 2014
So if you're feeling a little bit lighter since Monday it has a lot less to do with the three pounds you lost on your new all-adderall-and-salad diet and a lot more to do with the big bundle of rights you lost when the Supreme Court decided that Mean Girls is somehow not part of the Constitution and that it is totally cool for big corporations to call women sluts and whores.
When we were all busy texting and posting statuses about how we "legit hate mondays" the five most un-fuckable bros in America (aka the conservative justices on the Supreme Court) ruled 5-4 in favor of some bullshit store called Hobby Lobby, essentially making it legal for your boss to tell your vagina what to do. In other words, under Obamacare all employers were required to provide healthcare (including contraception), but now with this ruling, "religious" employers specifically don't have to provide plans which include birth control.
Hobby Lobby, a store which literally no one had ever heard of until this day, is apparently a Christian crafts store that I guess has a nursery in the back that they'd love to fill with their employees' accidents. Whatever. I assume Hobby Lobby's female employees still get a discount on craft items, which will be good for when they inevitably all have to sew their vaginas shut because that's the only birth control they're allowed to have.
We all know that people go on the pill for lots of reasons, and not being able to have a baby is just a dope perk---like free guest passes at your gym. Some people are prescribed birth control along with other medications that they're taking, some people go on birth control because their cramp situation is unbearable, and some girls go on it to help with their heavy flow and wide-set vagina. There are just like, lots of reasons to take the pill and only one of them is to not have babies. Also, hey, birth control is extremely handy for dudes too, unless I've been mistaken my whole life and all the dudes I met in college really wanted a lifelong commitment and to take on the responsibility of having a child.
In her dissenting opinion, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who is apparently the only betch on the bench these days, said that the court has "ventured into a minefield" and that religious protections should apply to organizations formed for a religious purpose, which sounds legit to me but none of the conservative justices heard her because they're five white bros and they never learned how to listen to women in the first place.
Well, betches, I hate to say it, but we might have to like be openly political about this kind of shit. Talk to your employer about your health coverage. If they're not gonna pay to take care of your front hole, then quit your job and work for somebody who will. Your health coverage is compensation for the work you (may or may not) have done and if you want to take that money and use it to clog up your cooter you should be able to without having to give the details to your creepy ass boss. So stand up for yourselves, betches. Demand respect from your employers. Post a link or two about it on Facebook (don't go crazy---everybody hates that.) And whatever you do, don't shop at fucking Hobby Lobby. Seriously. Just go to Michael's. As far as I know Michael is a pretty chill dude and he doesn't require an ultrasound just so you can buy popsicle sticks and glitter.