Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

I just want to tell you that your site is my Bible. Elle Woods would gladly trade her latest Cosmo issue for a new betchesluvthissite post. That being said, I need your help.

I have recently been hanging out with a lot of guys, pretending to have guy friends, who we all know don't actually exist. But one of them recently told me he thought of me as more than a friend. I told him that nothing could happen between us because his ex-girlfriend is an ex-betch of mine. I believed that at the time, but now that I've been thinking about it, I realized that this girl is not my friend anymore. She was a close betch at some point or another. So now, my question is, does she really matter? They dated for a long time, but she dumped him at the same time that she dumped me. Am I allowed to hook up with him? Or is that crossing a line?


A Betch Who Wants to get Laid __________________________________

Dear Betch Who Wants to Get Laid,

Absolutely hook up with this guy if you feel so inclined. Seeing as how this isn't your BFF we're talking about and it's merely some girl who you used to be friends with, absolutely feel free to hook up with this guy. In addition, she dumped him. He's totally open game. In fact, this girl sounds like a total bitch and we encourage you to hook up with this guy just for the satisfaction of fucking with her.

Good luck betch, and consider yourself lucky that the only thing you have to worry about now is winning.


The Betches __________________________________

Dear Betches,

There is no doubt in my mind that I am a true betch. Lately though, I’ve been dealing with a situation that has threatened to compromise my betchiness, something (for obvious reasons) I value greatly. It’s this shady bro… Who really isn’t good enough for me, but keeps me irrationally interested because of his disinterest. We dated in high school and hooked up basically whenever we saw each other since then (I know, not the most winning of moves but the sex was good and I don’t give a fuck). Anyway, I just ended things with him for good cause realistically I can find someone better to occupy my summer. The issue is that I’m experiencing FEELINGS over this bro loss. As I am undeniably better than him in every comparable way, this is monumentally confusing. I’m rattled by the fact that he doesn’t kiss the ground I walk on. I’ll admit, being single’s great, but it’s not better than me…


Disgusted By Feelings

P.S. Your site is fucking biblical. ________________________________

Dear Disgusted By Feelings,

The fact that you clearly hate nice guys is evidence of your betchiness, in addition to the fact that you're hooking up with what sounds like an SAB. While having true emotions is always discouraged, even the betchiest of betches has become a slave to an obsession with a guy who gives a good mind fuck. Also, the allure of a guy you just can't seem to make your bitch makes him a million times hotter.

What you need to do is keep reminding yourself of this. This guy is nothing special, he just thinks he's hot shit and therefore so do you. Try transferring those feelings onto yourself and he and the rest of the world will surely follow.

We're glad that you're ending what seems like a long, messy, booty call.

Remember, feelings are like weapons of mass destruction. You should never use them, but best to let the rest of the world freak out about whether or not you've got them.


The Betches


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