Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

My problem is a little superficial but let's face it, to a betch those problems are just as important as anything else. Anyway, I've been #notfucking this bro for a couple of weeks and he's great. He's hot, totally into me, and will hook me up with a trip to #candyland whenever I'm down. One problem though--he's super short. We’re about the same height when I’m barefoot. Is this going to work? Most of our pictures we've taken have been sitting down so it's fine for now, but I'm not going to stop dressing like a slut wearing 5-inch heels for some bro with a cute face who can hook me up with an addy. That’s what my dealer is for. Plus, I’ve always thought I had a thing for tall guys. You’re probably as bored reading this by now as I am typing so I’ll leave it at that, but what do you think? Should I consider getting a taller bro or keep him around a while?


Tall Betch

Dear Tall Betch,

This sounds like a very legitimate dilemma. On the one hand, very few betches can/want to handle towering over a bro. It makes us feel manly and awkward to be bigger than guys and a lot of betches usually aren’t up to doing the work to psychologically get over that. I mean, sure Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes are like a fucking foot taller than Tom Cruise but he’s gay so it’s really not a legitimate example. Taller guys command more power, and betches fucking love power. Plus who wants awkward pictures and the possibility of future short sons? It’s always important to consider your future genetic line.

However, there is a loophole to the short guy problem. It’s possible that this bro could achieve what we like to call Tiny Douchebag Status. It’s a little known fact that if a guy who’s 5’6” acts like a big enough dick, he can somehow trick everyone around him into thinking he’s much hotter and cooler than he actually is, thus avoiding everyone seeing him as a lame short bro. A bro with TDS often gets with tons of hot, tall betches.

If you think your guy can fit into this latter category, keep him around. If not, there are other bros in the sea.


The Betches


Dear betch,

So I've been seeing this #pro for a few months now...he's 6 years older than me which makes him mostly on my maturity level (at least I think). Because he's older and has a job and I #dontdowork it bugs me that he never seems to have much time for me. I know he's super busy at work and whatever but wasn't regina george right when she said that kady should be cautious of aaron samuels because all he cared about was school, his work, and his fam? I feel her pain...he wasn't kissing the ground she walked on. Do you think its right for me to be pissed because he's busy making the big bucks?


Rich and lonely

Dear Rich and Lonely,

In case it was unclear, when Regina George was #80 bitching that Aaron Samuels only cares about school and his mom and his friends, that was a joke about girls who are overly possessive of their boyfriends. What exactly is the problem with a guy who cares about those things?

We're not saying you're overbearing because we don't know you to make that call. Would you prefer a guy who hangs out with you 24/7 but gets fired and has no relationship with his bros or his parents? It's not like he's out doing crack and covering his body in "I love mom" tattoos, or even worse, like, working a night shift at a homeless shelter.

At the same time we understand you're craving more attention but blaming his priorities isn't the right move. You want him to make money, and you want his friends and family to like you. Give him space to manage these relationships. Put it this way, if you get married, at least you can be confident that his priorities will be where you want them to be.

Then again, you've only been dating for a few months. If it's not working for you and he's still not kissing your ass even when he has the time, this might not be the pro for you. In the meantime, there are ways to subtly suggest that the two of you spend more time together. Do not be the clinger and don't get angry at him. He's six years older and while you know you're on the same maturity level, he's a bro which means he doesn't understand that age and maturity aren't necessarily related. Push him too hard and it won't be long before you're Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey is outie before you can even count 10 days.


The Betches



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