Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear betch(es),

Normally I wouldn't waste my precious time writing an email to a group of nonsensical women but I felt the need to inform you that your last 60 failed attempts at humor in the forms of betches of the week/betch list etc. have completely ruined this site and all the former hilarious/true statements previously posted (diet coke, iced coffee, talking shit).

Clearly you have exhausted the list of everything you know about betches and are now writing a bunch of shit just to hear yourselves talk. While this is perfectly fine, I recommend thinking more than 2 minutes about your next betchy topic or even better, getting yourself a diary.

xox you know you love me

Dear xox you know you love me,

Firstly, compliments on the sign-off. Not only did it serve to remind us of just how nauseating unoriginality can be, but it also made us think of played out Gossip Girl lines, easing our ability to vomit from our hangovers and breakfast.

But anyways, on to your main point. You're totally right. You got us, we've been slacking, and we're sorry. It’s just that when you fully delve into such a complicated and thought provoking topic such as iced coffee, it’s really hard to find anything more of any significance to say. Now we know why there was no sequel to the Bible. When you sum up something so perfectly, it’s hard to know where to go next.

However, we do appreciate that you kept reading 60 failed posts even after we fell off the wagon. That, my friend is why dreams never die. While diaries are for nice girls (any true betch would know this), we find it so flattering that you still tune in every day to read and critique our shitty writing.

Despite your compelling letter of advice, we think we’ll still keep posting. I mean, if geniuses like you still take time out of their days to write us hate mail, we must be doing something right.

Keep talking shit, and give us a call if you need lessons in giving head, or suggestions for a hobby.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

I have a problem. I am a freshman at a big University and out of all 20,000 guys here there is one that is obsessed with me. Don't get me wrong I love when he bbms me and tells me how beautiful I am or asks me how class went but I'm not looking for love. We hooked up a bunch at the beginning of the semester but I have slowly been making up excuses and turning him down more and more often.

He constantly bbms me and if I don't open or respond he will text me. Like does he think I'm stupid? Even worse, if I ignore both those things he will text my roomie or close guy friends and ask what I am doing or where I am. No matter how many one word answers I give him or how often I ignore him he still continues to try for me. What is a betch to do?

Confused in College

Dear Confused in College,

Every betch at some point in her life has come across the creepy clinger who pursues you so intensely it’s like you’re the fucking Da Vinci code. Ew gross. These guys are super creepy, come on way too strong, and somehow didn’t get the memo that the best way to make us fall in love with them is to ignore us and not answer our texts.

Mutiple texts are bad enough, when they start to harass your roommate, that’s when you have to pull the Truth Card, which is awkward but worth it. As it is this guy is starting to sound like that bitch from Swimfan. So tell him you’re not into him, lock your doors, and hope he gets the hint.


The Betches

P.S. Unless you’re fugly, there’s nothing more nauseating than someone constantly telling you how beautiful you are, especially via text. Flattery is for fat girls. Betches know they’re hot shit.


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