Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

How can I become more of a betch? I am sometimes too much of a nice girl. I was born rich and pretty, but I was raised to be nice and prissy, and that's not very betchy according to you. I think I was meant to be a betch - I made a little tally and out of 55 items on the betch list, I liked a total of 33 - because I really like what betches stand for. What advice can you give me on how to become just a bit more assertive? (According to you, no betch group wants a Charlotte.)

Signed, Betch-in-Training ______________________________

Dear Betch-in-Training,

First of all, betches don't do work. Why were you making a tally of anything? That's extremely ambitious and you'd be doing yourself a favor if you channeled these efforts into more betchy activities, like not making unnecessary tallies. You can still be a betch without loving everything on our list, although the more you like the better you are because you're more like us and we're the fucking best.

With that said, not everyone is cut out to be a betch. But just because you were raised to be nice and prissy doesn't mean that you too can't discover your inner betch. Being a betch is effortless. It's a state of mind, not items on a to-do list. Betches are all unique and amazing for different reasons, if we were all the same we'd be boring, like nice girls and nerds. Being a betch is about having the confidence of knowing that you're the fucking shit.

If you're looking to be more powerful, betchy, and cool you should find yourself a betch mentor. Observing the actions of these world-renowned betches and how they don't take shit from anyone will give you the inspiration you need to become a betch yourself. If you can find yourself a bitchy betch to guide you and get you to be that much meaner, that's always a plus. Look at Cady Heron. Regina George like, invented her.

And to your last question about how to become "just a bit more assertive." Listen, you seem like a smart girl. It should be clear that people don't become "a bit" more assertive. You're either assertive or you're not. Refer to the last 10 minutes of Grease for cinematic evidence.


The Betches ____________________________________

Dear Betch,

First of all, I've been a fucking betch for all 23 a-fucking-mazing years of my life, and your site is the best one I've been on yet (except for like Cosmo, so that's pretty fucking good). My problem is this: I've been dating a totally hot bro for like 5 years already. We went to different colleges and long distance totally fucking sucked. Somehow, I managed to get through 4 years of staying with him while remaining a total fucking queen betch and he should know that it was fucking hard. I mean I loved #notfuckingbros for 4 years and getting to be totally betchy to a ton of bros, but still, it was fucking annoying. Anyway, after 5 years, he doesn't want to get married yet. I'm fucking over it. My daddy's going to cut me off soon, and I'm relying on this bro to fund my Louis Vuitton habit that I totally refuse to kick. So my question is how do I get this bro to fucking propose without giving him an ultimatum?

Love, I want fucking carats ____________________________________

Dear I Want Fucking Carats,

We totally understand where you're coming from. We'd be anxious about this too, but you're only 23. We hope that writing to us helped you get this problem off your chest because a betch would never utter an ultimatum.

We know you're looking to avoid that, but we're glad you bring it up. Betches don't give ultimatums, and here's why. Giving an ultimatum is putting all your cards on the table. It's a losing tactic and smells of desperation. Also, why would you want a guy to marry you because he felt like he had to? You're a betch and the guy who you marry should be head over fucking heels in love with you and anxious to lock you down. If he's not at this point now, skip to five years from now and he'll probably fucking hate you and resent you for forcing him to marry you.

Reality check: most bros are not in any sort of rush to get married. Neither should you be. You might think you're ready now, but unless this bro is like 6 years older than you it could end badly. Bros are at least 5 years behind betches in maturity level.

Also, why the fuck would you want to get married at 23? Do you know how many years of raging and looking out for only yourself you're losing? Also, because betches are smart we know that your brain doesn't fully develop until you're 25, meaning you could be like, a totally different person in two years than you are now. Suddenly two years down the line you're all grown up and decide that this bro's asshole remarks and constant clubbing aren't as charming as they originally were. Wait a while betch, hopefully you're too cool to be locked down so early.

Since we don't know your boyfriend it's hard to give you really detailed advice, but we think it's obvious by now that a betch's default strategy is to play the game. Brush up on your tactics and you may have a chance at manipulating him into proposing.

Our last piece of advice is that whatever you do, make no mention of your desire to get married. Don't push too many timelines or milestones. And especially avoid doing things that may imply an ultimatum, like getting an apartment, getting a dog, or going off your birth control without telling him.


The Betches ____________________________________

Dear Betch,

I don't have to compliment you on how much I love your site, because you probably already know everyone does. But I seriously need help!!! I have asked my friends and received their opinion but I need the Ultimate Betches' advice. I have a boyfriend who is 4 years older and in med school that worships the ground I walk on. Everything would be perfect except recently . . . my best "guy friend," (#50), who happens to be extremely attractive and rich, has recently confessed hes liked me for the past 5 years. I like and want both of them, so how do I have my cake and eat it too? Do I break up with my boyfriend or is this just a phase that will pass?

Sincerely, One Confused Shallow Betch ____________________________________

Dear One Confused Shallow Betch,

The only way to have your cake and eat too in this situation is by cheating, so if you're d for that go ahead. We recommend not doing that because cheating is trashy and it will end badly and no one will like you and everyone will call you a dirty whore. So if you're not going to cheat then you're going to have to make a choice.

Betches obviously #33 hate nice guys so it sounds like you secretly wish your ground-worshipping boyfriend would just leave you the fuck alone. Not to be held accountable for the breakups of people we don't know, but we personally think you should go for the hot rich best "guy friend." He sounds like he might be a catch.

We hate to quote ourselves, but there's no such thing as guy friends. That being said, this guy might not even want to date you once you break up with your boyfriend for him. Nothing says losing like ending a relationship in order to get with someone, you start your new relationship mind game at a severe disadvantage.

If you do go for the friend, it's important not to rush into this decision. Make sure that this friend is either ready to date you or down to play the game before you break up with your boyfriend. Anything less would be a waste of your time.

Our final caveat is that it's really unbetchy to be a serial dater, so our other suggestion is to stop getting wifed up. It's lame.


The Betches


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