May 16, 2014
One of the great equalizers of the 21st century is that everyone, even povos, have at least one weird old relative or family friend who won't gtf off their timeline. In a perfect world, we would have all deleted our Facebooks after that very first poke from our moms, but we'd all spent way too much time carefully crafting our online identities to do that. Plus like, every pic from beach week is on there. For a long time we were all able to pass by undetected by just ignoring all friend requests from family members, but soon enough they all started to get "offended" and "hurt" and want to know "what you're hiding" (hint: its alcoholism/funneling/bikini pics). So now we're all stuck dealing with with an ever-increasing number of our weird aunts, uncles, old babysitters, and grandparents who all love Facebook and think they're pretty good at it. These old weirdos usually fall into four categories though, of course, every family is different and special (brb I just threw up typing that.) Let's all just TG that they don't have insta (yet).
This is usually your sweet aunt or some distant cousin who knows she likes Facebook but has no fucking clue how it works. This results in her posting semi-regularly on your timeline some novel length bullshit about her life and your family that would have been better sent in a message but she doesn't know wtf messages are so now it's on your timeline for all the world to see. Depending on this relative's Facebook aptitude, these personal newsletters might show up on your profile pictures, statuses, or on the wall for an event you created because this person has literally no fucking clue what they're doing when it comes to the internet. When they're not commenting on your entire album (you're not supposed to do that!), they're signing their wall posts XOXO, Aunt Karen as if their full name doesn't appear DIRECTLY before their message.
One minute you're checking your notifications to see how many likes your new prof pic got, and the next you're calmly explaining to Aunt Diane over a DM that she can't just comment her life's story on your pictures because it doesn't make any sense and she's ruining your life. Also, thanks for the birthday check it was super clutch.
This one is almost exclusively an uncle, but can be an aunt or even your mom or your dad (in which case you need to get them back in line.) This is the person who knows that they're old and don't belong on Facebook so they find it to be absolutely hilarious when they pop up on your status about being hungover or reply attending to your birthday events. This is like, legit funny the first couple of times they do it but gets old fast AF when they start actually communicating with your IRL friends and take their comedy routine on the road by actually attempting to friend and/or talk to your besties. Chill Uncle Dan I get that you're not a regular uncle you're a cool uncle but your humor is bordering on uncomfortable.
Soon enough the three jokes this person has will get pretty old and you'll be sick of explaining to your friends who this person with no profile picture and really bad grammar is. Now, there's no delicate way to tell your mom's favorite little brother that he's creepy as shit and approaching 'old dude in the club' status with his constant posting, so the best thing to do here is to exclude him from basically all your posts and tell him you're taking a Facebook "break" next time he tries to get you to pull his finger at a family reunion.
This could be any of your family members, but is usually the one that you and the rest of your family make fun of when they're not there. They're lame as fuck, and super easily offended so their presence on your Facebook is a constant danger. They're the type of person who will post "You're never going to get a job!" on a pic of your new nose ring and it's like, chill out Aunt Rose I'll obvi take it out for an interview plus Dionne had one in Clueless and she was super successful.
They also are always constantly not understanding your jokes which leads to you frantically explaining to your mom that you were just JOKING about smoking crack at Ultra and she def should still pay for your ticket. This is the worst type of person to have on your Facebook because once you let them in, you can't delete them without getting an earful about it the next time you're both in the same room. You're just going to have to accept their bullshit on your Facebook for a while and take solace in the fact that you already know you'll be skipping their funeral.
This could literally be any member of your family, but it's usually the craziest. Unlike the others on this list, they're not a constant presence on your Facebook which leads to you forgetting about them until one day you innocently post an insta of you with a #BringBackOurGirls and suddenly your FB is blowing up with notification after notification about their insane conspiracy theories and stories from 'Nam that don't even seem to be related to what you posted.
This person is not above arguing with you, your friends, or any other person who has access to your Facebook about the CIA testing LSD on soldiers or presenting their theories about how the mob killed JFK. It's impossible to explain to this person how insane they sound or that literally no one gives a single fuck about what they're saying, so you just have to wait for the storm to end and then casually delete all of their comments the next day when you know they're safely back in their cabin writing frantic letters to Obama.