Your Betchy Yearly Horoscope For 2017 | Betches

Your Betchy Yearly Horoscope For 2017


You've prob been focusing on your own grind lately, but in 2017, Jupiter is opposite you in your House of Partnerships meaning it's the opportune time to, like, lock it down with someone. Not that you can't do that any year because you're generally amazing and could settle down whenever you choose—you just haven't chosen to do so yet—but this year is especially lucky for you in the love department. This placement of the stars actually only comes around every 12 years so if you're cool with waiting that long for another chance, cool. If not, this is the year to start dropping major hints to your SO that you're DTF for, well, ever.

Vanderpump Rules


Work it girl. This year, you should be 100% focused on making the most out of your job and/or focused on building a dope foundation for your future career. Sure, you might want to get distracted by parties and relationships and travel. Don't do that. If it comes down to staying at your job and not moving because you're kind of/sort of seeing some dude you think you have a future with and taking a new opportunity in a new city or something, fucking move as fast as you can. It's going
to be for the best. This is the year for you to be the most dedicated to becoming kick-ass at your craft. Love and relationships and families and shit can wait. This is your time to lean the fuck in. Ya feel me?

The Devil Wears Prada


This year, with Jupiter in Libra, you're on your way to your most fun year yet. You are in for more parties, entertaining, travel, and best of all, some world-class flirting. You have your whole fucking life to be serious and, well, boring; 2017 is the year to mess around. Opportunities for new love and romance are the greatest they've been since you started practicing your flirting game on MSN Messenger. If you made a resolution—which you probably didn't because they're mostly basic and lame—but if you did, it should be just to make every situation the most fun it can be. If you're not having fun, be like, boy bye and move on to something more entertaining.

Serena Williams


Your inner nester is about to come out in 2017. Quit trying to pretend you aren't addicted to Pinterest crafts and own it. You're going to spend a lot of time trying to make your surroundings comfortable and unique this year. You'll also spend a decent amount of time figuring out friendships and relationships that are most fulfilling to you and your life. You might deal with a major move or a big change in a relationship with someone close to you. Keep your head up even when shit seems to not be working out for the best. Everything happens for a reason. I mean, that's usually bullshit, but in this case, it's true for you.

Emma Stone


You probably haven't legit made a mood board since you were in like, seventh grade, but this year, positive thinking and visualizing your goals is slightly less embarassing and could actually come in handy for you. It's like the power of positive thinking is like "The Secret" or some shit. I've never read that, but I'm pretty sure that's what it's about. You don't need to read it either, just remember that this year, seeing is believing. Set some decent goals for yourself and visualize your success. With all this ass-kicking going on, expect things to be pretty busy all year long.

Shia LaBeouf


When it comes to money in 2017, Virgo betches are the luckiest betches of all. Look forward to a raise, a promotion, or like, getting an actual job with a salary this year. Hey, it looks like your expertise in pretending to work is finally paying off, literally. Not only are you coming into some extra wealth of your own, you'll think of yourself as more glamorous and fancy like someone generally flushed with cash, kind of like Mariah but pre-New Year's lip-synching. That extra little perk you're experiencing will make you even more attractive to others, drawing in new friends and people just randomly falling in love with you. What's new, right?

Mariah Carey


With Jupiter in your sign this year, 2017 is your year of contentment. Everything won't be perfect and you'll have some ups and downs, but thanks to your star sign and wine and Netflix, you'll be able to handle all the shit that comes your way. You'll be able to go with the flow more easily than you have in years past, and because you're super chill now, everything will seem less stressful. It's actually not a bad cycle to be in for once. Things will just slide in to place in the year ahead: relationships, family, friends, work, school, whatever—it's all good ahead.

Amy Schumer


Look forward to a spiritual awakening this year. Like WTF does that mean, right? Remember how you keep thinking you need to take a trip or, like, start volunteering or take some sort of eye-opening yoga class/retreat? Well, when you actually pull the trigger on those horizon expanding experiences, you'll find a new sense of fulfillment from within. Being in touch with your feelings and what you want from life might seem super sappy and gross right now but it will actually benefit you in unexpected ways. If you're currently thinking your sex life is lacking or your relationships are off or you're just generally kind of missing direction, this new found self-awareness will help you sort through the issues that slowly popped up during 2016.

Friends with Benefits


As a Sagittarius, you're generally pretty social and fun, but your social life will be the center of your world during 2017. You can expect not just casual encounters, but also more structured activities. There is activity in store for you around clubs, teams and organizations.  You usually work pretty hard to keep your weird idealistic tendencies in check for more realistic aspirations, but I really think this is the year for you to be like "Whoa, dream big." But not in a sarcastic way. And you'll have a lot of friends around to help you out when you need them. Like, don't be an asshole about it, but they'll be willing to do you a favor if you ask.

Kim Kardashian


Sit still, look pretty Capricorn betch. Because Jupiter is at the top of your chart, you're high visibility to others even though you're not, like, really doing anything out of the ordinary. People are just noticing you more. You'll seem more appealing and, dare I say, even smarter to those around you. You're in store for some major accolades or a promotion or some shit. And if people aren't like, showering you in blessings and compliments, just ask for what you want in life. People are more likely to give it to you in 2017. Turn your Caprican'ts into Capricans this year and make shit happen.

You're Welcome


Travel is the theme of your year, Aquarius. You might feel more of an Aquari-me instead of an Aquari-us because you'll be discovering a lot of newfound independence with your travels. Jupiter wants you to expand your horizon and gain a lot of new life experiences. You might be traveling a lot more for work or taking this year to study abroad; a big move could even be in store. Just leave that excess baggage that's trying to drag you down in the dust. People will try to keep you from spreading your metaphorical wings out of jealousy. Fuck those people. You do you and just go where life takes you in 2017.

Julia Roberts


So maybe 2017 doesn't seem like it's getting off to a great start. It's almost like 2016 just won't let the fuck go. Don't get down because the year didn't start exactly how you imagined. Your life is going to be impacted by other people's money. You might be coming in to some inheritance or trust fund dollars. Holla! Or you could just start dating a new guy who isn't afraid to drop some cash on you to impress you. It's about time you stop fucking around with scrubs anyway, isn't it? Also, if you're thinking of buying a house or dropping major cash on an apartment, this is a great year to do that. Banks will be like, "hell yeah, this girl seems legit responsible" and be more likely to give you a loan in 2017.

No Scrubs

Images: Teddy Kelley / Unsplash; Giphy (12)





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