Zayn Officially Says Deuces to One Direction

By Betch Waldorf

In a very foreseeable chain of events, Zayn Malik has decided to peace out on One Direction. The band released a statement today about how they “wish him the best” and “understand his decision,” but we all know that’s basically a nice way of saying “you’re fucking dead to us.”

Zayn already dropped out of their current tour because he was stressed tf out, because being super rich and famous is like a really emotionally taxing thing apparently. Quick, let me play you the world’s smallest violin. Again, leaving a tour because you're "stressed out" seems like a nice way of saying "probs in rehab, brb."

He released a statement that essentially said “yeah I was in a boy band for five fucking years and I pretty much hate my life now, so bye.” Which is like, kind of fair. Like how many years realistically can you sing about girls not knowing that they are beautiful until you just want to throw yourself off the nearest building?

The band is going to continue to perform with the four other members, and it doesn’t take a fucking genius to figure out that their days as a band are numbered. Now that the seal has been broken, it’s only a matter of time before Harry Styles figures out that he’s the hottest member and decides to pursue a lackluster solo career. It’s the circle of life, really. The only exception is Justin Timberlake, but let’s be real- Justin is a walking god. Looks like all of Taylor Swift’s Nashville voodoo worked- One Direction is basically fucked.

I’m abstaining from Twitter so I don’t have to see Seventeen Magazine post like fifty tweets about how they are devastated about this “loss.” He didn’t die, people. He just decided to stop singing British pop songs, like everyone needs to chill the fuck out. Oh how the mighty have fallen, amiright? Isn’t it funny how the Night Changes? What? Is it too soon to make a One Direction pun?

It’s only a matter of time before Zayn starts to miss the fame and then desperately tries to crawl his way back into the spotlight through reunion tours and hosting some bullshit radio show. Either way, #tbt to when One Direction was a thing.






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