The Military Coup In Zimbabwe Explained Betches

All The Drama Going On In Zimbabwe Explained In A Non-Boring Way

By Betch Bader Ginsburg

Prepare to be shocked and astounded. There is some totally crazy, international political shit going down right now and for the first time in what seems like years, it has nothing to do with the bull in an international relations china shop that is Donald Trump. Instead, we need to briefly shift our focus over to Zimbabwe because their government is getting flipped turned upside down and honestly, maybe we could pick up some pointers on how to overthrow a shitty President. 


WTF Is Going On?

While everyone was sleeping Wednesday morning, an army spokesperson announced on Zimbabwean TV that the military would be conducting an operation to target “criminals” linked to Zimbabwe’s current President Robert Mugabe, who they blame for causing social and economic suffering. Mugabe is currently on house arrest, but less like the bougie Martha Stewart kind, and more like the might-get-wrecked-by-an-army-that-hates-him-if-he-leaves-his-home kind. There are signs of heavy military presence and armored vehicles around the capital, and lines of concerned citizens have been piling up at local banks. The army is vehemently denying that this is a military takeover of government, but if it walks like a coup and quacks like a coup…it’s probably a coup.

Actual footage of Mugabe right now:

But Why Tho?

There are a whole bunch of factors that have been contributing to the military’s fierce opposition of Mugabe over the years, but the basic gist is that the dude is as selfish as he is old. At 93, Mugabe is the world’s oldest living leader, and has been leading the country since it gained independence in 1980. Has this man never heard of retirement? Literally the second I reach an age where retirement is deemed socially acceptable, my old ass is buying a condo next to a beach and taking long naps every day. A few years ago, Mugabe read the complete wrong speech in an embarrassing mix-up, leading many to believe his age was starting to become an obstacle for his leadership (duh). My grandpa is ten years younger than him, and I still need to scream at full volume when he’s sitting right next to me, and even then there’s a 50/50 chance he’s going to catch anything I’m saying.

Not only is Mugabe practically eligible to be an artifact in the Museum of Natural History, but he’s also massively selfish, inconsiderate, and sometimes violent. He is notoriously willing to resort to violence to retain power, and once rejected foreign aid that would have been offered on the condition that he accepts gay marriage in Zimbabwe. So you’d rather watch your people starve to death than see two dudes kiss? Somewhere, Mike Pence is drawing up plans for his Zimbabwean summer home.

For his Super Sweet 92nd birthday party, Mugabe threw a lavish celebration featuring parades, concerts, and parties in his honor, which altogether cost a whopping $800,000. At first glance, I’m all about it. With that kind of money at my disposal, you’d better believe my next birthday would include a vodka fountain and a performance from Beyoncé ft. Blue Ivy and the twins. However, it becomes a lot less cool when you realize that just a few weeks before this celebration, Mugabe himself declared a state of disaster in areas affected by drought and poverty. Instead of using those hundreds of thousands to fund relief and supply food and water to his people, this grade-A ass wipe spent it all on a party where you just know he only invited the popular kids.

As if that wasn’t enough to make the people defriend him, just last week, Mugabe fired his own Vice President, Emmerson Mnangagwa, who was widely respected by the military. The firing of his longstanding and loyal VP raised some eyebrows that Mugabe was being shady af and clearing the way so that his wife could succeed him instead. Naturally, Grace Mugabe (52, dang Robert, get it) is apparently just the worst.

First of all, Grace is Mugabe’s second wife, who began an affair with him while his first wife was dying of kidney failure. That is some of the most savagely awful shit I’ve ever heard. I hope the producers of Real Housewives of Zimbabwe are writing her tagline as we speak. The people of Zimbabwe have given her nicknames such as “Gucci Grace” and “DisGrace” (lol clever) thanks to her extravagant shopping trips and habit for spending tons of money on herself as, I’ll repeat again, everyone else in her country is poor and hungry. Now, if someone wants to give me a cool nickname like Balmain Betch, I’m not going to say no. But then that also means I need a rich, powerful husband who can help finance these kinds of shopping trips.  *sets Hinge radius to Wall St*

Why Is This Important?

A coup is a BFD when it comes to the changeover of political power. The military is insisting that they intend to have a bloodless handover of power and resignation from Mugabe, and then they’ll be on their merry way. However, Mugabe is a stubborn betch and refuses to give up his seat for anyone, until the next election rolls around and it’s put to a vote. Right now, things are shockingly calm and quiet for a military takeover, and the army is promising to keep Mugabe’s family safe in their home prison that’s probably filled with expensive things and TVs to keep them occupied. Actually, house arrest doesn’t sound half bad tbh.

Even though military forces are still denying this is a coup about as hard as your fuckboy boyfriend claiming he’s ‘just friends’ with the Instagram model he’s been DMing, things will probably not stay so peaceful for long. Friday, a poster began circulating calling for citizens tor rally on Saturday to "remove Mugabe from power," stating "We can't have a 93-year-old person ruling more than 15 million people." I mean, tru. Savage, but tru.  If Mugabe doesn’t resign peacefully, we’re likely about to see some real juicy action take place. Ok Zimbabwe, now let’s get in formation.

Update (11/20/17):  After failing to comply with a military deadline requestin the president step down (lol as if), Zimbabwe's ruling party has summoned its represetnatives to discuss impeaching Robert Mugabe. The mlitary had previously given Mugabe until Monday to step down, but he came out on TV Sunday and was like "lol nah fuck that," so Zimbabwe remains in presidential limbo. We'll update more as more information arises, but TBH I have a feeling this isn't going to end well for Mugabe or Grace. I guess I just have a fifth sense about it. 

Update (11/22/17): In a letter to parliament on Wednesday, Robert Mugabe announced that he will resign the presidency and allow a smooth and peaceful transfer of power. He also claimed the decision was "voluntary," which I believe about as much as I believe in "mutual" brekaups. Emmerson Mnangagwa, who fled to South Africa two weeks ago, has returned to Zimbabwe and is expected to be sworn in as the newpresident on Friday. TBH this whole, coup-to-maybe-impeachment-to-resignation thing seemed pretty chill. Maybe we could get something like that going here? 

FBI - Don't @ me. 

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