The Best 'Bachelor' Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 7

By The Betches

Catch Up On Last Week: The Best 'Bachelor' Recap You'll Ever Read: Week 6

Okay so it’s well established by now that this season’s Bachelor is boring as shit. The only thing more abundant than Nick’s tears this episode were the amount of times I looked at my phone. ABC is clearly privy to this fact since they decided to announce that Rachel is the new Bachelorette before she was even sent home!? Like come on, Rachel is clearly the best person on this show and now you’re going to milk that fact to force us to watch it until the end so we can see how she gets dumped? What does it say about Nick as an eligible Bachelor that you had to break your 33-season racist streak of white leads just to make get us to tune in to the last 4 episodes?

Nick’s Mental Breakdown

Raven: Him being that upset was not about Danielle L. He's just so worried he's not going to find someone again! - yeah no shit, you must have a mental health degree or something.

Why is Kristina like, snuggling Rachel when Nick is the one crying? 

Nick then has a little beach powwow therapy session with Chris Harrison who doesn’t say anything but I assume is there to just listen and give him a hard copy of his contractual obligations to stop being a little bitch and finish the show.

^ That's not necessary

Nick then returns to the girls, intent on giving love a real chance. “As tough as this week has been I’m set to do 4 more weeks so like, the show will go on.” 

There is 0 chance anyone knows what Bimini is but Chris Harrison already booked the live band, so there’s no way this trip is getting cancelled due to Nick’s abundance of tears. I may or may not have kept calling it Bellini several times throughout the show.

Rachel: We walk into our villa at Resorts World Bimini™ and it looks like heaven. It’s the perfect place to fall in love.

Someone needs to do a location count on the places proclaimed the perfect places to fall in love on this stupid fucking show because it’s getting out of hand.  

I honestly didn't even realize Corinne didn't have a one-on-one with all the excessive screen time she's had. The producers obviously don't want her to have one in case Nick realizes she's insane and lets her go and THEN where would the ratings be?

Corinne: Vanessa has a one-on-one today, I’m not gonna freak out

Corinne: *head starts spinning around on neck*

One On One Tee

Get your one-on-one (tee) here!

Date With Vanessa

Date Card: Vanessa…let's go deeper. Bring the lube. 

“Now I’m getting frustrated and I’m really bloated.”  - Corinne, spirit animal

Corinne: It seems like he wants to go emotionally deeper with Vanessa. I don’t feel like there’s much to open up for Vanessa. I don’t see much depth. When I talk to her she’s all like, "my family is Italian and we make pasta every week and I’m a special needs teacher."

Well Corinne has a point in that she sucks, but it’s more because she’s mad annoying and condescending and reminds me of a judgmental mom.

Okay obvi Vanessa says she’s falling in love with Nick. Not wanting to be hated by all of America AGAIN, Nick goes the safe route and refuses to say it back.

Vanessa: I’m falling in love with you

Nick: mumble mumble mumble

Nick then spouts out some Nicholas Sparks type shit. “I do believe love is great and if I’m lucky enough to feel love then love will be love.”

Related: Vanessa From 'The Bachelor' Is Also A Famewhore

Group Date

Corinne, with the zingers: I’ve been on a boat bigger than this.

Does the group date itinerary include 45 minutes of everyone applying sunscreen on each other followed by swimming with sharks? 

Nick proceeds to lube Kristina’s inner thigh up with suntan lotion and you can tell she’s thinking like, “lay off the SPF 30 I want to get tan.”

Ah swimming with sharks—what an excellent experience to add to Kristina’s list of life traumas.

Kristina: Oh, hell no. I did not leave Soviet Russia for this shit. I’m out.

Raven: I will punch a shark in the face if it gets close to me.  - Reminder that this is the same trashy ho that beat her ex up with a stiletto. 

Corinne: What is Kristina doing with Nick. I’m supposed to be the one to dramatically exit the date and get attention. 

Can Nick cry less, like seriously he’s crying more than all the women combined. 

Nick: I want to give the group date rose to Raven.

America:

SIGN UP: Our Bachelor emails are the only thing more scandalous than the Fantasy Suite.

Date With Danielle

Ugh, not the sports with the local kids schtick. Just because she’s tall doesn’t mean she’s a basketball player, Nick.

Can someone do something about Danielle’s voice? Oh never mind, thanks Nick.

Nick: Right now, Danielle and I seem to be struggling to have a more natural conversation. - Well that can happen sometimes on a SECOND date. 

Nick: I don’t want to put too much pressure on this date but at the same time I need to know by 5pm if I can marry this girl or not.

Nick then lays on the poetic compliments: “You’re fun to have fun with."

Nick: I just have a good time with you. Maybe it’s because we’re just two Wisconsin kids who are whoring themselves out on reality TV.  – Are you REALLY two “Wisconsin kids”? You’re both in your thirties.

Nick then dumps Danielle because he’s not obsessed with her. 

Very awkward that Danielle had to go pack all her shit. I wonder if she shoved any hotel robes in her suitcase.

Danielle: Please walk in that door and say you made a mistake.

ABC: Nah, America doesn’t like you enough for that kind of producer intervention.

Corinne

Corinne: I’d live in a shack with Raquel and Nick and cheese pasta; that’s how much I care about Nick.

Corinne: When I want something, I get it; no ifs ands or buts" - Sounds like you're ready for a relationship full of compromise and selfless giving.

Corinne then devises a plan to go seduce Nick in his hotel room to get their connection back on track.

Corinne: I’m gonna blow that room up. - So you’re going to break into Nick’s room to take a shit in there? 

Corinne: My heart is gold but my vagine is platinum. -  Okay sound bite editors, you can go home now. 

The sounds coming out of the closed door that Nick and Corinne are in are nauseating. Corinne is legit instructing him on the art of touching her boobs.

Corinne: Never jiggle, lightly massage.

I can understand why, actually, after hearing Nick’s "dirty talk." “You’re very attractive,” he states. “But you should probably GTFO.”

I feel like he at least got an OTPHJ. 

Date With Rachel

Nick then does his best to ask if Rachel has had any other white boyfriends without actually saying the word "white".

Nick: Will I be similar to other guys you’ve brought home? Will I be different? Do the other men you’ve dated also like country music, and crying in public, and cold brew iced coffee?

Why was Rachel’s date like 5 seconds? 

Nick has cried like 10 times this week. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.

Bye Kristina

That was a big curve ball to send Kristina home. On the other hand, I guess Nick didn’t want to meet Kristina’s huge adoptive family if he wasn’t going to marry her. But really Nick, you’re saying goodbye to Kristina over an overtly sexual blonde with a nanny who finds cheese pasta to be a way of life? 

Related: ABC Casts First Black Bachelorette After Only 12 Seasons Of Dodging Diversity Criticisms




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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