Tips For Giving A Good Handjob Betches

The Three Golden Rules Of Giving A Hand Job That Isn't Terrible

Personally, I’ve always felt kind of embarrassed while giving a hand job—it’s kind of like splashing around a kiddie pool next to Michael Phelps and expecting him to cum his pants be impressed (because guys are the Michael Phelps of touching their own dicks, GET IT?). So, while in recent years, hand jobs have rightfully been relegated to the punch lines of jokes about dating religious teens, it’s still basically impossible to have actual sex without a little hand-on-dick action. Plus, there are moments when little more than a hand job is possible (do NOT see: Wedding Crashers under-the-table handy), so in the interest of making those scenarios as pleasant as possible for both parties, let's break down when/how you actually *should* whip out this dick move.


Try It In Public

This comes with a few obvious exceptions that I’ll list upfront: nowhere with children, nowhere with either person’s family in the general vicinity, and please for the love of God try to be subtle. Sidenote: I have mixed feelings about the whole back-of-a-cab thing, because on the one hand that poor, poor driver, but on the other hand, at least you are not full-on sucking a dick while the owner of said dick tries to avoid rearview mirror eye contact. Ew. Public hand jobs are just like, easier to hide. Sure, anyone who looks at you two for more than about 10 seconds will still be able to puzzle out what’s going on, but nonetheless, it’s a lot more subtle than pretending you dropped some popcorn in your boyfriend’s lap and it took you 17 minutes to find it with your mouth. Basically, if you’re in a private place, there’s no excuse to not be having a better version of sex—but if you’re looking for the thrill of a public sexual encounter with minimized risk of arrest, hand jobs are the deed for you. (Just don't call me to post your bail, because I do not make enough money off these internet articles.)

Avoid Chafing

You know how a bottle of lotion in a guy’s room is basically a neon sign saying THIS IS WHERE I MASTURBATE? Yeah, there’s a reason for that. While, genitally speaking, dicks often seem like the more convenient option (outdoor peeing, fewer UTIs, severely diminished emphasis on grooming), they don’t quite have the self-lubricating thing down (+1 for lady parts!). So, vigorously applying a dry hand to a dry penis will quickly become unpleasant, a moment traditionally marked by some combination of wincing and wrist-grabbing. If you’re the mom of your friend group, the hand lotion you perpetually carry around will be very useful in this scenario. For the rest of us normals, I know it’s fucking gross, but please just find a way to transfer saliva to your hand before you sandpaper off his ability to have children. Remember that time you dropped half your Chipotle on the ground and then ate it anyway? Yeah, if you can do that, then you can spit on your hand a little for this.

Tease Him With It

How effective/enjoyable this tactic will be really depends on how much you and the guy in question get off on general teasing and/or pent-up sexual tension. If you can’t so much as sit on the guy’s lap without him calling an Uber to take you home and bang it out, certainly do not start playing with his dick in any situation where you’re not prepared to commit to full-on sex. However, if you’re turned on by knowing he’ll be torturously holding down a semi all day at work thinking about fucking you for the rest of the day/night, using your (non-dry) hands to get him excited can be a very fun pre-dinner/work/other “event where you cannot touch each other” move. Plus, unlike blow jobs, this won’t ruin your hair or make-up.

Ultimately, unless you happen to be extraordinarily gifted at this particular task, hand jobs will not, and should not, be your go-to move. But if your sex life has become as routine as Trump’s impeachable offenses you’re looking to branch out a little, make this your horniest autumn yet by re-exploring the art of the hand job. The world is your sex dungeon oyster.

Images: Ryan Franco / Unsplash; Giphy (3)

 



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