For this week’s TBT, we’re going to take a look into the lives of the most influential baby friend group of the '90s. I’m talking, of course, about the Rugrats and, most importantly, how betchy or not betchy each Rugrat is. Is it polite to rank toddlers who have not yet learned to speak based on arbitrary social categories? Probs not. Is it fun? Fucking duh.
Here’s what we know about Cynthia: 1) She’s a really cool dancer, 2) She’s got cool moves (as long as you move her arms and legs), 3) She’s movin’ out on the floor, 4) She’s ready to break some eggs (make an omelette Cynthia!) How do we know all this? We know it from her workout tape, which I am shocked has not been sampled by Avicii or Kanye or someone yet (don’t listen unless you want this song stuck in your head all day).
Cynthia’s resting bitch face is on point, and she manages to look great in her belted orange dress despite the fact that she is missing ⅕ of her hair. Cynthia didn’t say or do shit for all 9 seasons of Rugrats, yet she is still one of the show’s most memorable characters, and it is her ability to do no work and remain popular that has earned her the number one slot.
Susie Carmichael is cool AF. Did Susie need to appear in every episode? No. Susie had other shit to do. She’ll check in every once in awhile to see what the babies are up to, teach them about Kwanzaa and generally let them know what’s good, before going back next door to hang with her real friends. Whenever she does come over, the babies flip out because they’re like, obsessed with her (everyone is). She’s also the only person who has absolutely no time for Angelica’s bullshit, probably because Susie has better hair, a better outfit, and wears a cool red bangle, which is more than Angelica could ever hope to have. Susie is three, which makes her older and wiser than most of the babies and probably accounts for the sheer lack of fucks she has to give. Did Susie get her ass lost in the woods when Dil was born? Fuck no, she was chilling in Paris getting turnt up with her older sister! Did Susie almost die with the Rugrats in EuroReptarland? No bitch, I just told you she’s already been to Paris! Susie Carmichael always comes correct, and that’s what earned her the number two spot.
Tommy Pickles is the star of the show, which virtually guarantees him betchiness. Tommy also has the whole dressing like a slut thing down and spends all nine seasons of Rugrats wearing nothing but a crop top and booty shorts. His outfit never stops him from leading his friend group on adventures, and you know once he can talk and operate a phone he’d be the person managing the group chat, suggesting what clubs and parties to go to, making sure everyone is getting the free shots they deserve, and seeing you into your Uber at the end of the night. The thing holding Tommy back from the top spot is that he’s too fucking nice. He’ll let any baby with shit in their diaper come hang with him (cough CHUCKIE cough), and that means his friend group is riddled with duds (HI CHUCKIE). Be a little more discerning about your friend group, Thomas, and maybe we’ll see you up at the top with Cynthia.
We can’t talk about Cynthia without getting to her BFF and designated Rugrat BSCB, Angelica Pickles. Angelica spent most of Rugrats torturing the “dumb babies” (who were really only like a year younger than her) and making them miserable, yet still somehow being invited to all the group hangs, play dates, and brunches. Angelica spends a lot of time telling everyone—including the adults—how beautiful she is and is absolutely desperate for attention, probably because her rich AF parents never pay attention to her. She’s your friend who cries and starts shit at the club anytime she feels like she’s not the hottest girl there (and she frequently is not—thanks Cynthia!) Also girl, lay off the cookies.
Charlotte Pickles is Angelica’s mom who is literally always on her phone. Like, always. Even in a time before cellphones could fit in your pocket, Charlotte is always on the phone with her assistant Jonathan (Cheban? We don’t know…) and ignores basically every member of her family to do so. When phones don’t work, Charlotte straight up makes her husband’s brother carry a fax machine around so she doesn’t miss any important texts. Charlotte alternates between a power suit and workout gear, always accompanied by an Ariana Grande level high ponytail. In All Grown Up, Charlotte displays clear signs of some seriously botched cosmetic surgery, which is what has dropped her down to slot #5. Never try to cut corners on botox, Charlotte! It’ll always go wrong. Honestly, Jonathan should have told you that.
Grandpa Lou is another character who gives absolutely zero fucks and is down to hang. Much like Corinne, Lou loves naps and often falls asleep halfway through finishing his stories. Despite his old age, Lou is still a fuckboy, and is often seen hitting on women and generally trying to find ways to get laid. If Rugrats had taken place in 2017, Lou would have definitely had a Tinder and that Tinder definitely would have had a picture of him from 20+ years earlier. Lou is eventually successful in finding a new wife, Lulu, who he moves in with pretty fast after they start hooking up (risky choice, Lou!) Outside of his strangely active love life, Lou also has many frenemies, including his own cousin Miriam; his bowling rival, Billy “Strike” Maxwell; and some other wrestling guy named Conan McNulty. This proves that when push comes to shove, Lou is just not very popular and kind of an old perv. Sixth place for you, Lou.
Okay I’m sorry, but Phil and Lil are fucking gross. Their diet is a mess, always eating fucking worms and mud and shit. Do you know how many calories are in a ball of worms, kids? Do you? Seriously. There is a Rugrats episode where Phil and Lil drink straight-up toilet water. What the fuck is that? Is that something babies do? Phil and Lil also have no creativity when it comes to fashion, and instead just dress alike every damn day in green—a color that is flattering on exactly 0 people. Their mom is a hardcore feminist, which is cool, but maybe the twins have been empowered to do a little bit too much. Like sure, Lil can do whatever she wants with her life, but maybe eating a giant pile of shit should not be one of those things? Idk. Seventh place.
Good Lord is Stu Pickles a sad man. Seriously. You have a beautiful house, two healthy babies, a cool Jewish wife who has managed to maintain her pre-baby body, and you’re still fucking complaining! Look around, asshole! You have all this shit despite the fact that your dumb ass hasn’t invented one successful toy. In fact, you haven’t even invented one toy that didn’t explode and almost kill your entire family. You are literally #blessed but you’re too blind to see it! The only thing keeping you from the bottom slot is this meme which, in the current political climate, is legit all of our lives right now:
No. Just no. I’m sorry, but again, it’s gonna be a hard pass on Chuckie. Here are all the things Chuckie would have to improve if he ever even wanted to hope to be betchy. 1) His voice, which is terrible. Do you have a cold, Chuckie? Go to the damn doctor. It’s the '90s. Hillary Clinton has passed the State Children’s Health Insurance Plan. You can go to the doctor. Go. 2) Grow. A. Pair. Dude. You know when Chuckie gets older he’s gonna be your friend who calls the cops on his own party for getting out of hand. He’s gonna be that guy who side eyes you for doing molly at Coachella, making weird comments under his breath about how you never know what’s “in that stuff” and generally bringing bad vibes despite the fact that Beyoncé is literally pregnant and dancing in front of you. 3) The hair is a problem. Comb it. Dye it. Do something. It’s a problem. 4) Tie your fucking shoes, dude. 9th place.
There was no character on television from 1991-2004 that was less betchy than Chas Finster. He has all of Chuckie’s problems, but he is a fucking adult which means he has literally no excuse for being such a narc. Chas seems to be suffering from whatever health problems are affecting his son, and despite being a “bureaucrat,” apparently has no ability to get his ass to a doctor either. Like many sad old nerds, Chas must travel to a foreign country to find a wife, eventually convincing a way-too-hot-for-him Japanese woman to fly to America and be his Melania. Chas also has a double-Hitler mustache, which is 100% unacceptable, no matter what decade you live in. Sorry, Chas. Last place.