Wonder how the weekend will treat you? Should you let loose and drink everything remotely alcoholic in sight, or stay in and paint your nails and learn to knit? Well, don’t worry, we’ve already got it all figured out. (As a side note, you should only drink actual alcoholic beverages, i.e., not Listerine.) You’re welcome. Introducing our first ever betchy weekend horoscopes! If you do something ratchet over the weekend, just blame it on your horoscope.
Aries
Hate to break it to you Aries, but your weekend is looking pretty desolate. Maybe your friends are busy, maybe they’re avoiding you, or maybe they’re not your friends at all. Sad. Whatever the reason, your calls and texts are going to go unanswered for the next couple days. But hey, don’t let it get you down. A weekend of solitude is something that most people would murder a roommate or two for. Get out your comfiest sweats and move in on that Netflix binge list you’ve been keeping. Monday will come soon enough and maybe a friend or two with it.
Taurus
Fucking Taurus. You know what you need to do this weekend? Chill the fuck out. Despite what it may seem like, your life is not nearly as dramatic as you make it out to be. Your life is not a CW show (but honestly wouldn’t that be just fab). Spend the next two days trying to decompress and bring your blood pressure down a couple notches. A cozy blanket, lots of tea, some soothing movies: they’re all on the agenda. Take this time to go off the grid and get back to basics, so that you can return to your anxiety-ridden self come Monday.
Gemini
If anyone in this zodiac deserves to let loose this weekend, it’s you, Gemini. I don’t care what you thought you had planned, because for the next two days your only priority is alcohol. Any kind. Every kind. Take it, it’s yours. Don’t stop until you wake up until Monday morning in the same clothes you left work in on Friday. Are Geminis two-faced? Maybe, but this weekend the only two faces you need to worry about are you and your blacked out self.
Cancer
Hey Cancer, I have some awesome weekend plans for you. Stop texting your fucking ex. Like, you have full reign to do literally anything this weekend but text your ex. Go to the zoo. Get a pedicure. Build some Ikea furniture. Cut all your hair off. Get a tattoo you’ll regret. See how much sushi you can eat before you get mercury poisoning and then learn how to cook a legit meal. Watch an entire season of a TV show. Go hiking and take a self-indulgent Instagram. Drive to the nearest ocean. I don’t care how far that ocean is, just drive to it. Reach out to an old friend. As long as that friend isn’t. Your. God. Damn. Ex.
Leo
This is your weekend to shine, Leo. Shed that timid shell you’ve been wearing all winter and show your true colors. Are your true colors black? Damn fucking straight, because it’s the only color worth wearing. But in a metaphorical sense, you are every color of the rainbow this weekend. Reach out to old friends. Make new friends! Just get out of the house and into some fun. There’s always time to nap on Monday.
Virgo
We here at Betches are all about fun times, Virgo. I’m sure you know this. It’s kind of our brand. Which means things are pretty fucking serious when we have to get off our alcohol-fueled tables pedestals and tell you to stop blacking out. Honestly. Random blackouts? They happen. Birthday blackouts? They’re expected. Blacking out on a couch on a Tuesday while your roommates sit by, equal parts horrified and in awe? Well, that’s when it’s time to address some things. This weekend, maybe switch from vodka sodas to just soda, and revel in the fact that you’re actually going to remember everything that happens for 48 hours. You’ll thank us in the long run.
Libra
You are a hot commodity, Libra. Whatever you have been doing lately has been working, and everyone around you is feeling it. This weekend, you can literally do anything you want, and the masses will follow. Want to try a new bar? Your friends are in. See a hot guy? He’s yours. Feel like heading to Taco Bell and ordering the whole menu? That hot guy will probably drive you. Enjoy these two days of bliss, because they truly do not come around that often.
Scorpio
This weekend calls for big moves, Scorpio. Pack your bags, turn off your phone, and take that spontaneous trip you’ve been daydreaming about. Your phone should obviously be turned back on as soon as you’re there so you can let everyone know what a great time you’re having. In fact, if you’re having such a good time in this new locale, maybe think about…staying? There’s nothing wrong with a change of scenery, especially when life is getting drab. So whether this adventure is a weekend whim or a long term move, grab your shit and don’t look back.
Sagittarius
Last weekend was pretty high profile for you, Sagittarius. While we’re under the firm belief that any press is good press, maybe take the next few days as an opportunity to lay low. People always want what they can’t have, and 48 hours without your presence will have them begging for a triumphant return. Use this time to sit back, plan your grand reappearance, and stalk every single one of your friend’s drunk actions. Odds are, someone else will be the talk of the town come Monday.
Capricorn
Emotions are a funny thing, Capricorn. They’re funny because everyone hates them, and yet you continue to exhibit them to the detriment of everyone else’s good time. This weekend, take a page out of the Aquarius book and bottle those pesky feelings up so tightly that they won’t emerge for the next 30 years. You might find that the soulless life suits you. If not, at least your friends will get to enjoy two days without you drunk crying in the Uber home.
Aquarius
Well, Aquarius. Some of your decisions lately have been…suspect to say the least. You aren’t really being yourself, and it’s clear to everyone. Your friends. Your coworkers. The barista at your coffee shop. The homeless guy you always pass on the way to work. Your roommate’s oddly observant cat. Literally everyone is on to you. This weekend, try getting back to basics. Maybe go out and do some of the things you used to enjoy and see if that spark is still there. If not, this could be the beginning of a new era. Just make sure it’s an era you actually want to be in.
Pisces
Time to get down to business, Pisces. Literally. You’ve been neglecting any actual work for quite a while now, and while we applaud that, it’s about time you got your shit together. No one likes being productive, especially on weekends, so make sure to provide yourself ample incentive. Hunker down in that coffee shop you love with the extra expensive lattes. Get a muffin, go wild. Bust out one actual piece of work and then grab a drink on the way home to celebrate. You earned it.
