Featured Image Credit: Bravo
Topics: Bravo, Entertainment, The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Marissa Dow
Topics: Bravo, Entertainment, The Real Housewives of New Jersey
Despite a handful of memorably petty acts of violence and a mob wife dinner that made me want a steak and a martini instantly season 14 of The Real Housewives of New Jersey has flopped to an unsalvageable degree. I mean, once we heard there was no reunion, it was obvious things were bad. But did we know they were going to Luis-threatening-Margaret’s-son-on-camera bad? No, we did not. It truly doesn’t matter what side you’re on, the vibe among this crew is so rancid it has me reminiscing on the “Piece Of Shit Cokewhore Every Day” era as a breeze to watch. That’s because the beef on Jersey, though darker than any other franchise, at least used to be real. It was too real, but it was real! So if we’re all being honest with ourselves, the group getting toxic isn’t the issue. It’s toxicity with no teeth where the viewers have been left in the wind. Like, I would rather get secondhand family trauma from witnessing a bloodbath over real issues (like which Giudice parent is going to jail first and which Gorga parent is allowed to visit them) than watch a group of former bullshit-free bitches buy into grandiose rumors of evil scheming that ultimately amount to nothing. Between the staged shit-talking scenes from scorned HMUAs (the only extensions I want to talk about are Gina Kirschenheiter’s and how I’m still not over them) and Jackie Goldschneider’s personality transplant, I’m not sure what I’d be tuning in for other than reliable guy’s night content. As much as I love Joey Gorga, The Real Housewives of New Jersey is over, I fear.
As we know it, yes. Andy confirmed rumors of a cast shake-up “rebrand” is on the way prior to the finale. With the underwhelmed fan reactions following season 14’s conclusion, I don’t see how that conversation hasn’t escalated to a Def Con 1 reorg to start completely fresh. I know the Tre huggers and Teresa herself find the concept blasphemous, but Teresa Giudice wasn’t going to film RHONJ to her literal last breath, right? At some point, she was going to have to step down and relinquish the throne. It seems bringing someone as controversial and demanding as Luis in the mix has perhaps escalated that that decision for her.
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Hopefully, no one! Even refreshing newcomers serving their own fucked-up family storylines on a platter like Danielle Cabral have been so tainted by the toxic standom side-picking that I doubt any one of them would be able to fold into a clean slate rebrand. I know Dolores is universally loved, but the same applies to her: She’s the best of the old guard, but truly moving on means saying goodbye. I’ll miss Marge’s smart mouth and her relationship with Marge Sr., but she’s a bleach-blonde force of nature who won’t be ruffled by getting a new job. Jen Aydin said she’d be perfectly happy counting her Ferraris (while Bill hides in the guesthouse), right? So, bye girl! As for the rest of them, tootles, kadooze, and love and light. Now if Andy happens to have Tracey DiMarco from Jerseylicious‘ phone number, I think that could be an excellent place to start.