Tragic: The True Story Of An OG Sabrina Carpenter Stan Who Failed To Gatekeep Her

Have you checked in on your OG Sabrina Carpenter stan friends recently? They need you right now. In 2024, we find ourselves in one of the darkest moments in pop music history: The masses have officially discovered my 4’11” blonde bop machine and stolen her from us ahead-of-the-curve, cool girls with elite music taste. We spent the last decade dedicating our lives to the former Disney star’s career only to now suffer through TikToks posted by people encountering Sab for the very first time via “Espresso.” Frankly, it’s devastating.

If I could, I’d conduct a thorough background check on all 20 billion of you who are gonna slither your way into that godforsaken TicketMaster queue. I would need to see a complete Spotify or Apple Music history dating back to 2014, an accurate recitation of the “Can’t Blame a Girl For Trying” lyrics, and an airtight alibi for early 2021, the Sabrina Is a Homewrecker Era, to start.

Oh, you think “I’m working late ’cause I’m a singer” is catchy? Where were you for “Sue me for lookin’ too pretty tonight” or “You like New York City in the day time, I like New York City in the night”? To be a trendsetter or not to be a trendsetter… that, my friends, is the question. And I fear none of you riding the brand new Sabrina (or Chappell!) wave(s) can claim the former <3.

If one more individual who started listening to Sabrina three seconds ago asks me if I like her, I will scream — and not in a cute, Addison Rae “Von Dutch” remix-style way. Allow me to walk you through my lengthy history with the woman, the myth, and the legend that is Sabrina Carpenter.

“Thumbs” Convinced Me Sabrina Should Run For President

Back in 2017, the superstar released what should’ve been her “Espresso”: “Thumbs.” I can recognize that shit within .3 seconds of the intro. My queen was making political statements as a teen fresh out of Disney because she was just That Girl. “Somewhere in the world, they think they’re working for themselves / They get up everyday to go to work for someone else,” she croons. As I jammed along to her iconic “Skiddly-dee-da-dums,” I was ready to join the #Carpenter2020 presidential campaign. I said, “No, this girl has a point. We gotta stop twiddling our thumbs.”

I Suffered A Severe Addition To The 2020 Movie Work It

I’ll admit I wasn’t really a Girl Meets World gal — I saw episodes here and there, but I was 14ish and moving on from Disney Channel to ABC Family, now Freeform. That being said, Sabrina’s 2020 project, Work It, cast a spell on me. I saw that movie on Netflix, told my mother it was the best movie I’d ever seen, made her watch it with me immediately after I had just seen it, and then proceeded to watch it repeatedly for several weeks, maybe months. How many times have I watched this dance scene to “WOW” on YouTube? We don’t need to discuss it. The Oscars fucked up that year.

My Top 5 Most Streamed Songs Of 2022 Were Emails I Can’t Send Tracks

Image Credit: Ilana Frost Spotify

2022 was the emails i can’t send golden era, and these are the best songs on the album. Argue with the wall. I honestly didn’t listen to much else that year, as you can tell from the receipts, proof, timeline, screenshots above. Pro tip: You actually don’t need a therapist when you have the “Vicious” bridge. Save that money for tickets… Lord knows you’ll need a lot for the Short n’ Sweet tour.

I Was A Regular At The Emails I Can’t Send Tour

May you rest in peace, $40 tickets to Sabrina shows. I knew this would be one of my favorite albums from the moment I first heard “skinny dipping,” so I immediately snagged tickets for the emails i can’t send tour in New York. And when Sabrina says she’s going on the same tour again, you get tickets again, so I did. All I remember from both shows is shrieking, sobbing, catharsis, and transcendence. The venues were intimate, and she chatted with audience members like they were close pals.

Do you have the famous dipshit hat (a reference to the title track) from the merch stand? Didn’t think so. It’s one of my most prized possessions and will always serve as a remind that I’m better than you.

Sigh. Gatekeep your faves whenever possible.