You’d probably assume Whitney Cummings’ job description is: “Be funny.” And you’d be wrong about that! As a comic, her real job is to “find the truth,” she says.

That calling explains her passion for conspiracy theories, a subject that comes up during her Big Baby Tour set. I of course had to know Whitney’s most unhinged conspiracy theory, but I couldn’t have prepared myself for her answer. “One that I’m obsessed with at the moment is that Helen Keller wasn’t real,” she told me. “You can’t just let her have accomplished? We have to make sure every successful woman is somehow taken down, even if it was Helen.” According to the Fast Friends host, Helen “wasn’t really blind” or “really deaf.” You heard it from Whitney first, folks — Helen Keller’s disabilities are a myth rooted in misogyny! (Allegedly.)

However, Whitney did clarify, “I’m all for coming for white women from 100 years ago. I’m sure they did much worse things than lie about being blind, let’s be honest.” I have no idea what she could be talking about here. White women are historically perfect.

During my *45*-minute conversation with this chatty queen, I cried tears of laughter as we discussed many truths, including Miranda Cosgrove’s suspicious use of the word “fuck,” the Luigi Mangione phenomenon, creepy Santas, the consequences of Botox, and strange food choices.

Thank goodness Whitney Cummings is the newest Hall of Betches inductee.

HALL OF BETCHES INDUCTION:

WHITNEY CUMMINGS

Image Credit: Betches

So, I’m very excited about your Fast Friends game show. Which Friends character do you identify with the most and why?

I would say not one of the main six. I will never be a Jennifer Aniston. I just have to live with that. I identify as a Janice. Janice was literally the reason I felt like I could actually be on television at a time when all the girls were just blonde, next door, or they were the setup for the guy’s punch lines. And then Janice came in, just shrill, and every man’s nightmare. It was like looking in a mirror.

Janice is an icon. Roughly how many times do you think Miranda Cosgrove has actually said “fuck” in her life?

One time. One. I’ve spent so much time with her. There is not… I’m trying to think. Maybe. No, I haven’t really heard her cuss before or since. It was like, “Are you a person?” It was like watching a robot malfunction. She was like, “Probably fuck.” We’re like, “Wait, what?”

You know that was the whole saga, because Akon made a song with that sound, which I own. He made a song that was called “Probably Fuck.” And it was like, “What are we going to do tonight, girl?” And it was her voice going, “Probably fuck.”

Oh my God.

I was like, literally anybody can have that sound for their song, except Akon. He’s wild. I was like, I will totally go to court against Akon. The lawyer basically said, “Get in line. We can’t get to you, there’s so many other lawsuits.” Because remember, he humped a girl on stage, who I think was not… I don’t know, google it.

He said women belong in the kitchen, and he had all these wild things. And I love a kitchen, but I don’t want to be there all day. And then I spent six grand, just sending the cease and desist, and he didn’t take it down.

That’s a crazy story. Who would play you in a movie?

Brianna Chickenfry. Documentary.

Perfect.

No, I might have to be a man in a wig. There’s a comedian named Louie Anderson, who has since passed. But he just wears a wig and plays Zach Galifianakis’s mom, and he just plays it as a man in a wig, but it’s the woman. Or just Jennifer Coolidge. Her playing me at 25 would be amazing, and you just don’t address it.

If there was a movie about your life, what would the title be?

God, probably just A Lot. I spent a lot of time with guys going, “You’re just a lot.” All the things that you’re called by men, even though it hurts in the moment… Later in life. You’re like, “You know what? He was dumb, and that was mean, but that was true.”

Who would be at your dream celebrity dinner party?

Well, fucking Luigi, obviously. Okay, this is going to be toxic, and I’m going to get killed for this. I don’t know of the accusations that this person is Satanic, but Marina Abramovic, I love. Right now I have some questions for Jay-Z and Solange at the same table.

Oh, wow.

It has to be Jay-Z, Solange at the head, Marina Abramovic, Luigi, just one Menendez brother, not both. I just want the younger one, that didn’t have sex with anyone that was in his family.

There are some lines that can’t be crossed.

Maybe the movie’s just Crossed Lines.

Satanism and murder are fine.

Look, I would love to have Chappell Roan, but I don’t think she’d want to come, so I’m not going to force her to come to my dinner party.

I feel like she would love you.

I think she would, but because I would be like, “Hi, let’s not do this. I know you don’t want to do this.”

What’s your weirdest obsession?

I’m obsessed with, this is going to sound crazy, my face. I stopped getting Botox, and I’m a totally… Someone, I’m not going to say, a television person told me to get Botox when I was 27. And I stopped when I got pregnant, and I just kept stopping, and all of a sudden my relationship started getting better because I was able to communicate with people better. I never thought people understood me, and it was like, yeah, I had no expression on my face. I think wrinkles are almost a sign of youth at this point, because everyone’s getting all the Botox.

What’s the last thing you searched for on the internet?

Okay, so there is a way that you can google the legal record of Santa in your area, so you can find out if your local Santa has been to jail, been a creep at all, been to Epstein Island. Well, we’ll never know that, but Santas in your area, like Megan’s Law Santa.

I saw on Instagram that you took off the cheese from pizza, and you put it in soup.

Yeah, no, continue with the judgment.

I was just wondering, what is your strangest food habit, if that’s not the one?

DeuxMoi literally wrote, “Had Whitney Cummings on my flight from Denver to the LaGuardia. She sat across from me in the terminal, ate the wildest thing, had three pizzas, had cheese pizzas and multiple grab-and-go sandwiches, took the deli meat out of the sandwich, scraped the cheese from the pizza, ate it like a taco at 7:00 AM.” White trash till I die.