American Girl Dolls Ranked By Betchiness

So I want to start out by saying that every American Girl Doll is at least a little bit betchy because they are expensive as fuck and don’t do anything. They come with tons of accessories, which are also extremely expensive, and if you want to take your narcissism to a whole other level, you can shell out even more money and get one that looks exactly like you. Then you can buy matching outfits for it and sleep with it in the same room as you and talk to it and love it and tell it your secrets until the doll gets more and more powerful and suddenly you’re the doll and she’s the human. Or something like that. IDK, because my mom would never buy me a lookalike doll and now she and I don’t speak.

Anyway, here’s the definitive ranking of the AG’s betchiness. Feel free to tear me apart in the comments. If you disagree, remember: This is a satirical article about a line of historical children’s toys. Fucking chill.

1. Samantha Parkington (Turn of the Century Betch)

Sam is undoubtedly the betchiest of all the American Girl Dolls for a variety of reasons. Number one being that when Sam was a baby, her rich as fuck parents died and now she lives with her betchy grandma, who she calls “Grandmary,” which is also the whitest shit I’ve heard in my life. Sam also rocks a black-and-white checkered dress and matching black-and-white velvet bow, which is very chic for a 9-year-old girl. Samantha also has a friend named Nellie who you can buy as an accessory to Samantha if you want your doll to have a friend? Feels random, but whatever. Low-key Nellie couldn’t be more annoying. But, Sam eventually pulls a Cher Horowitz and gets all charitable and gives Nellie a doll from her collection and Nellie promptly shuts the fuck up. And finally, betchiest of all, Samantha comes with an all-black outfit…

…and an outfit specifically for catching butterflies…

…and this was her bedroom…case closed.

2. Josefina Montoya (Mexican-American Betch)

Josefina is fly as fuck. Just look at her. Her look is on point. She has chic bangs and knows how to accessorize. According to the American Girl wiki (my number one source for this article), one of Josefina’s major dislikes is “goats,” which isn’t something we’ve talked about on this site, but is probably true for all betches. Josefina lives with her dad and three sisters, so she’s well versed in the art of asking your dad for everything and borrowing clothes without asking. Also, Josefina’s hoop earrings are non-removable which is a pretty good way to say, “Hoop earrings are my thing and you can’t wear them, Gretchen.”

3. Kit Kittredge (Depression Era Betch)

Kit Kittredge hands down has the betchiest name of all the American Girl Dolls. Kit’s real name is “Margaret Mildred Kittredge,” but since that name sucks ass, our girl Kit opted for the Kardashian double K and was better off for it. Kit is mainly number three on the list because she’s so fucking cute. Look at her bob and that little barrette. It’s the damn depression and she still looks fucking good. Very betchy. Good for you, Kit.

4. Addy Walker (Reconstruction Era Betch)

There’s no denying that Addy Walker is the baddest betch of them all. After gaining her freedom in the civil war, Addy scores a job at Mrs. Ford’s dress shop, aka a clutch fashion internship. Addy also has a straight-up rivalry with a chick named Haxrriet Davis, which is very betchy. However, Addy hates Harriet because Harriet is richer than her, and for that reason Addy is fourth and needs to chill. It’s not Harriet’s fault she’s rich.

5. Kirsten Larson (Pioneer Betch)

Kirsten Larson probably has the betchiest hairstyle. She’s also European, which is mysterious and very betchy. That being said, Kirsten looks whack as fuck in her Christmas ensemble and has a dopey fucking look on her face. She also works very hard, which is not cute. In the end, Kristen is a nice, little midwestern girl who enjoys farmwork.

Kirsten Larsen

6. Caroline Abbott (War of 1812 Betch)

Caroline Abbott looks the part of a betch despite being born in a log cabin, which is pretty impressive. Caroline isn’t an OG American girl, so I had to look up her story, and apparently she’s also an only child and gets super jealous when her shit-eating cousin Lydia comes to stay. Caroline starts to get FOMO hard and thinks that Lydia and everyone else are hanging out without her, which is a pretty clear sign that Caroline has some insecurity issues considering her house has one fucking room in it. Jealousy isn’t cute, Caroline. Enjoy sixth place.

7. Kaya’aton’my (Native American Betch)

Kaya’s main plot point is that everyone gives her the nickname “Magpie” and she hates it. Betches don’t get nicknames, they give them. Have fun in seventh place, Magpie.

Kaya’aton’my

8. Felicity Merrimen (Revolutionary War Betch)

The betchiest thing about Felicity is that she owns a horse. At one point in her book series, Felicity gets into some shit with an old-ass drunk man named Jiggy Nye (which, incidentally, is my rap name) and teaches him to stop drinking, which was probably good for him. Felicity is not higher on the list because she’s super into being a “tomboy” and would probably say shit like, “I just get along with guys better than girls” and we’d all hate her. Also, horse girl.

9. Rebecca Rubin (Pre-WWI Betch)

Here’s what I’ve gathered about Rebecca: She is an aspiring child actress/theater nerd/Anne Hathaway from 1914 and honestly I’ve never fucking heard of her. Rebecca wears a fairly betchy outfit, but also like I said, I’ve never fucking heard of her and she reminds me of Anne Hathaway, so bye, bye, Becky, you’re number nine.

10. Molly McIntyre

Good god, get this betch outta here. Molly is a narc. Don’t believe me? Look at her. That is what a fucking narc looks like. You’re an OG American Girl, have some fucking respect for yourself.

11. Julie Albright (Hippie Betch)

Okay, so first of all, any American Girl doll that is like, the same age as my mom does not fucking count. You were born in 1966. You are literally still alive. Secondly, your outfit game is weak. You’re supposed to be a flower child and you would be laughed out of Coachella.

12. Maryellen Larkin (Cold War Betch)

Same shit goes for you, Maryellen. You’re the same age as my aunt and you look like a dud. You are like what Reese Witherspoon was working to stop in the movie Pleasantville. Take that shit elsewhere.