This Flight Attendant’s Viral “Bare Bean” Story Gives New Meaning To Mile High Club

We’ve seen people do some pretty weird stuff on airplanes. There was a literal trend where people were doing multiple-step intensive skincare routines on flights, and I’m pretty sure I’ve also seen someone make matcha lattes in the air. And yet, when it comes to the internet, things can always get weirder — and they did.

On TikTok, @kpaaain, a flight attendant, explained how on one of her recent flights from Los Angeles to Seattle (only a two-hour flight), she saw a woman with her legs up on the headrest of the seat in front her. Of course, that’s super inappropriate on a plane and so she went to tell the woman to please remove her feet — what she witnessed was more inappropriate than anything you could imagine. The woman was sitting there with her pants and underwear down by her knees, going to town on herself. I’m talking eyes rolling back, sounds and everything. I know, I couldn’t believe it either. The flight attendant had no idea what to do and tried to get the woman’s attention — but nothing. She quickly threw a blanket over the woman and ran to her pilots to try and see what could be done.

Of course, no one believed her at first because… in what world would a woman be publicly masturbating on a plane? But once they realized what was happening, their only option was to call the authorities and let them know to get ready to detain a woman after the flight. Then, the flight attendant heard the woman “finish” and saw that she had put herself to sleep. I mean, at least she had a good time?

Because the flight was so short, it was about time to start the plane’s descent so the flight attendant went to the sleeping woman and tapped her to wake her up to buckle her seat belt… and pull her pants up. The woman was super out of it and clearly had no idea what was going on. The flight attendant then asked her if she had any memory of what happened, and she responded that she did not. The flight attendant then let her know that she had to stay seated once the flight landed because the police would be escorting her off the plane.

Then, TikTok @margot6827 posted a video revealing herself as the woman on the plane — which was a pretty brave move since anyone else in the situation would probably take that to the grave. In the trend where people post a weird situation they’ve been in with a picture of an astounded muppet in the background (the internet is so, so weird), she reveals that she had taken Ambien before the flight because of her anxiety. She woke up two hours later to the flight attendant telling her that the police would be waiting for her because she was “flicking the bean mid-flight.”

I guess the only relieving part of the story is that we can blame the Ambien and that this story time didn’t involve someone who just wanted to publicly finger themselves. I guess in the future, we’re just all going to have to collectively deal with the anxiety of flying — because this story has just unlocked a totally different type of flying anxiety.