The Best Excuses To Get Out of Plans Ranked By How Much of A Jerk You Are

Let she who has not canceled plans last minute throw the first stone. Yeah, that’s what I thought, no rocks detected. The thing is, I love my friends to bits and pieces, but sometimes those bits and pieces don’t add up to more value than the priceless combo of my bed and Doordash. And, might I add, there’s a good argument to be made that the Real Housewives who I’ve stood by for decades through tumultuous divorces and problems with the law count as some of my closest friends. Maybe that’s a stretch, but the fact of the matter is we all have to cancel at some point for one reason or another. How big of a dick you come off as hinges delicately on what excuse you provide to your bestie to make said plans go away. Which may or may not be a concern, if we’re being real. Like, on one hand, no one wants to be a flaky loser who leaves people hanging. On the other, we do live in a late-stage capitalist hellscape where the tiniest drop of self-care has sort of become climbing Mount Everest. Like everything else in the world, this shit is on a spectrum. So, naturally, this calls for a ranking of excuses for canceling plans from least to most dickish.

10. Anything Related To Your Period

People with ovaries and their allies will instantly understand if you have to drop out because mother nature is being a little bitch again. Though this is a timeless and dick-free (literally) “get out of jail free card,” with great power comes great responsibility. Use this sacred excuse sparingly (at least with other women — men are totally fair game to lie to until the wage gap closes).

9. Work

I mean, who hasn’t had to sacrifice that impossible-to-get dinner rez for an Excel spreadsheet with a looming deadline? Though I wish my boss faded into the walls like a Hogwarts character outside of the hours of nine to five, we all know work can be demanding after hours. TBH, whether you’re stuck working late or maybe just mentally recovering from a day of corporate hell, rain-checking to reset your will to live after a long day is pretty much always valid… unless your job is cuddling kittens.

8. A Mild Temporary Illness

People will actually appreciate keeping your migraine, runny nose, or sprained coccyx from going too hard at pilates at home. No one wants to volunteer to be around rogue flying germs after a global pandemic or a Debbie Downer who can’t hang. I will say “sick” is a subjective word, so if you’re claiming a pollinated breeze has you down for the count, be prepared for perhaps a bit of side-eye.

BEST-EXCUSES-INLINE

7. Ran Out Of Money

Saying you’ve “overextended your budget” are the fanciest words you can use to articulate “betch, I’m broke.” It’s a little embarrassing, but it’s also a problem that someone who isn’t paying your bills can’t quite call you a dick over. We are very much in a global cozzie livs crisis so penny-pinching isn’t anything to look down on, but the fact that you couldn’t plan ahead is more of the problem here. Just make sure it doesn’t happen often because if your friends think you’re going to be crunching numbers while they cheers over that second round of mimosas, they might just “forget” to invite you to brunch to protect the vibe.

6. Bad Weather

This excuse of course has regional context, but generally speaking, any kind of rain or snow is a decent reason to suggest a legit rain check. I actually think it’s more valid to cancel a rendez-vous in places with better weather since everyone is an adorable little baby about precipitation in cities like Los Angeles. Meanwhile, you might actually look rude for ditching over snow in a place like Michigan.

5. Pet Stuff

Hear me loud and clear: Your pet is not my problem. Failing to organize arrangements for your best friend with paws when you knew you had plans is probably going to rub just about anyone the wrong way, especially those without a pet of their own. That being said, sometimes fur babies need extra help if they’re not feeling too hot, so on a case-by-case basis, this could be totally fine.

4. Accidentally Overbooking

Admitting to overbooking yourself isn’t a good look, but at least it’s honest. As long as you’re being upfront that you’ve accidentally girlbossed too close to the sun ahead of time, you’ll be forgiven in 3-5 business days.

3. Any Excuse That Includes The Words “My Boyfriend”

I’d rather hear about your literal dog than the one you call your partner when it comes to canceling plans. Oh, the man who can’t get through a grocery run without multiple phone calls needs help with something? Quelle surprise! If you expect your girlfriends to be there for you when your relationship hits a rough patch, or worse, falls apart, you can’t be bailing because Carl wanted to cuddle tonight. Unless he surprised you with a wedding ring, we DGAF, babe.

2. Overslept

What, you don’t have an iPhone?? An Amazon Alexa??? A carrier pigeon???? If you couldn’t make drinks because you simply couldn’t manage to be conscious, prepare for major backlash. Especially if you “accidentally” stood someone up. Being late is one thing, but to sleep through our martini date when I put on mascara? How dare you.

1. Anything In the Realm of “I Don’t Feel Like it Anymore”

Honestly, if I received a text that said my plans were off because my partner in crime just wasn’t in the mood then I’d, IDK, consider locking them up in jail and throwing away the key for all of eternity? I’m obviously not talking about a mental health issue here, but rather someone who has the audacity to indulge the intrusive voice in all of our heads that says, “You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.” Because here’s the thing: That is true. Like Kim Cattrall once iconically said, “I don’t want to be in a situation for even an hour where I’m not enjoying myself.” That is very much mine and probably most people’s truth. But if you have plans with someone that you respect at a bare minimum, the least you could do is provide a decent reason (and immediate options to reschedule). At least make one up, sis! Otherwise, let me be the first to tell you: You are the asshole.