Being booked and busy has never been more possible for intuitive practitioners on the internet. Sure, witchcraft is pretty much as old as time, but Etsy, TikTok, and social media in general have made spellcasting more mainstream than ever (imagine explaining the concept of paying for a good weather spell for your wedding day to a Salem villager). With DMs to the witchily inclined on the rise since the pandemic, “there’s a lot of discernment you have to use. I turn down a lot of people when my intuitive feeling is they’re not in the right headspace. Or they could benefit, you know, from a therapist, for instance,” Sadie the Witch told me in late October.

According to the three witches I spoke with, Halloween is one of the three times of year they get the most outreach, followed by the New Year and Valentine’s Day. While Robyn Valentine a.k.a. Tired Witch told me that 98% of requests are centered on love, your fave Etsy and TikTok witches are fielding unconventional (and sometimes even lolzworthy) asks in their inboxes on the daily.

After getting the magical lowdown from Sadie, Robyn, and several other highly followed intuitives, it became clear you don’t have to be aligned with the occult to appreciate how outside-of-the-box the girlies are getting with their wishes. These are the wildest spells requested of Etsy witches, to inspire your own manifestation, however you choose to achieve it.

Edited for clarity.

Funniest Spells Cast By Etsy Witches

Getting Rid Of A Creepy Neighbor

When Sadie Olson (with 42K followers across her Sadie the Witch accounts) started practicing five years ago, her main request was “Love spells, love spells, love spells. And I still get a lot of that,” she told me. For the record, Sadie has never taken on a love spell directed at a specific person. Low-key, manifesting an “SP” love spell gives Sadie the ick. “Let’s think about this for a second. Think about all of your exes…99% of the time, you’re so embarrassed that you dated them. You’re so happy that you moved on and met someone else,” Sadie laughed.

But these days, there’s been a shift, Sadie explained: “The girlies in my world. They’re like, wait, that’s boring. I can use magic for so much cooler stuff, like my career, like my own personal glow up.” Focusing on empowerment versus “grasping for something,” as Sadie put it, has become the favored area of magic in Sadie’s Hot Witch Universe, where she lives by the motto “delulu is the solulu.” Her specialty is a road opener spell, which is all “about removing obstacles and attracting new opportunities.” She’s proud of her success with long-term clients, like an author who recently achieved their dream publishing deal.

The wildest DMs Sadie receives, however, are about disarming haters that just won’t go away, like a feisty ex-wife or insufferable co-worker. Sadie had to ice out an overly friendly male neighbor for herself, too. “He was ruining my walks, like, all the time…So finally, I very nicely was like, ‘Hey, like, I never got your name.'” And then Sadie performed a spell that involves writing someone’s name on paper and throwing it in the freezer. “It’s the best way to not hex someone, not curse someone, but just get them the fuck away. I never saw that guy after that,” Sadie confirmed.

Third-Party Removal To Win A Crush’s Love

For Kayleigh Alexa (as she is known on Etsy), taking off on TikTok (where she now has 28K followers) changed everything. “I definitely, on so many levels, would’ve kept myself hidden [and kept] my gifts to myself, to my family, to my friends, word of mouth,” Kayleigh explained, admitting she was once “societally conditioned” to be afraid of the word “witch.” She loves using the internet to help people “lost in the sauce of life” rediscover “the power within.”

“A lot of people come to me for love and healing from heartbreak,” Kayleigh went on. Even if it starts off with “how do I get this person back?”, the journey ends with finding self-concept, self-help, and self-love. But the requests that really “stop [her] up” are when clients DM for a third-party removal, a controversial spell used to get rid of romantic competition. “We are not here to beg someone to choose us. You want to be the chosen one until you’re the chosen one, and then you’ll realize real quick why you don’t want to be that,” Kayleigh broke it down. She recently explained this in a “very powerful teaching moment” on a TikTok live. “Uh, uh, that’s not what we do. I’m very big on morality, integrity. Let’s keep it cute. We’re gonna focus on ourselves because the chaos and karmic entanglement — none of it’s worth it.”

Seeking Big Dick Energy

Robyn AKA the Tired Witch agreed that “social media,” where she has over 100K followers across channels, “is an amazing tool.” But it comes with responsibility. The author and podcaster believes that “witches in general that are on social media have got to learn to have some self-preservation and stop speaking in certainties” because when you “talk on the internet with these absolutes, it becomes a tricky thing where we stop getting taken seriously.”

The weirdest wishes she’s been asked to make reality are about transformation. “10, 15 years ago, they were always werewolf-related. I don’t know why you’d be like, how can you turn me into a werewolf?” Robyn joked. More recently, men like to bombard her with unsolicited soliloquies about their undersized genitals. “They want a spell to make their penis bigger. But if I can’t make their penis bigger, then they would like that tiny, tiny penis to be sent to others, so that way, they can really [share the] shame.” Even though Robyn loves using her background in psychology, “anything related to [physical] health — I will not do.”

Robyn also has a helpful perspective for anyone afraid of the dark side of witchcraft: “Malicious spellwork, it’s kind of like a sliding scale. And a curse is like the heaviest one. A curse is a pet that needs to be fed…There’s not a single Etsy witch on the Internet who is feeding this pet to keep bad things happening to you. Nobody gives a shit about you that much — that’s not happening.”

A Controversial Urban Development Project In Philadelphia

Celeste Mott had been practicing her craft at physical shops in the French Quarter for 20 years when lockdown pushed her to pivot. With her success on social media and lived experience as a disabled person with chronic illness, she “just really never looked back,” Celeste recalled to me. She pushes back against the extremist view that all witchcraft is satanic, “which is 100% not true,” Celeste shared. “Love and relationships come up most” in Celeste’s experience, for male, female, and non-binary clients, though her favorite work is helping clients “who are themselves experiencing maybe paranormal phenomena, maybe spiritual stuff.”

Two moments come to mind that are “quite funny” when it comes to unusual spellwork Celeste has performed. A client who works in community development was deeply invested in stopping the Philadelphia 76ers Arena Proposal in Chinatown. So, Celeste found herself “inside [her] black circle, casting a curse on, you know, a development project that’s gonna wreak havoc on a local Philly neighborhood. That was pretty funny.” For anyone keeping score, the project has since been canned.

Celeste also felt it was justified to intervene in a televised boxing match to help a client who had gotten out of an allegedly harmful relationship with one of the boxers. “I always do a divination before I take on any spell work to see if it looks like I can help the client,” Celeste added, “and on this occasion, I did the work and I said, okay, yeah, it looks like we can make a difference here.” This boxer did, according to Celeste, lose their pay-per-view fight, so she was clearly speaking the truth when she emphasized “we did not curse Jake Paul.”

Uncursing Haunted Dolls

Though the ease of Etsy shops and TikTok Lives has streamlined unorthodox spiritual guidance, folk witch Frankie Anne Castanea, a.k.a. Chaotic Witch Aunt, still prefers their virtual consults to be “face-to-face,” even from afar. With over a million followers on TikTok, Frankie receives a ton of messages, some odd, some not. The constant ones that make them giggle are basically the “u up?” of the witch world: “I get a lot of emails just asking with no information, ‘do you hex?’ And that’s it.” Frankie does not do “baneful workings” on behalf of people, FYI.

Their strangest request, however, was about freaky toys. “I got [an email] once about a man believing his dolls were haunted, and he got pictures of the dolls, and he was just, like, introducing me [them], like, ‘look at them.’ And I’m like, ‘I actually don’t want to. Thank you!'”

When they’re not avoiding making haunted dolls “nice” again, Frankie focuses on helping clients through difficult times of change. “A lot of times, because of the realms that I work in, I get a lot of people asking for protection from exes, from people sending them threats, [and] just to make themselves feel a little safer,” Frankie shared. Sticking to the morals and ethics of their practices keeps Frankie shielded from the hate that witchcraft can get when it circles back to the public’s attention in flashy headlines.