If Birth Plans Were Brutally Honest And Uncomfortably Accurate

To my medical team: Please refer to this birth plan as your guide to keeping me semi-sane and moderately comfortable during this miracle hellscape of a situation I’ve been dreading since I peed on a stick. Follow it precisely — unless I start screaming, then just do whatever TF it takes to make it stop. TYSM!

Please note

• I am a little bitch about pain.
• I ate a shitton of Taco Bell before I got here.
• I will verbally abuse anyone in the room w/ me.
• I need an XL charger near the bed at all times.
• I never actually watched a full birth video… oops
• I have a fear of needles, newborns, and my MIL.

My delivery is planned as:

Elective C-section. Please. Please? Otherwise let’s do vaginal, but give me every drug, even the illegal ones.

People allowed in the room during labor:

• My husband, unless he’s being annoying (then kick him TF out).
• ^^ same for my mom.
• The OG cast of Grey’s.
• My birth photographer (if I don’t look too puffy by the time I deliver — tbd).

During labor:

• Preferred playlist: Taylor Swift’s entire discography or just Obama’s greatest speeches on repeat.
• ABSOLUTELY NO students, residents, or interns present (unless they’re hot or TikTok famous).
• I’d like to be PTFO as much as possible. The less conscious, the better.
• Do not let my mom in (unless I, like, reallyyyy beg).
• Escort my in-laws off the premises if they have the audacity to show up.
• You’ll have to physically pry food away from my hangry, furious fingers if you say I can’t eat.

I’d like fetal monitoring to be… Constant. I’d love it if we could multi-screen it. Maybe an IG live of the baby? Can we set up a tripod somewhere? We just need to make sure the lighting isn’t too harsh. Let’s mood-board it before the big day.

For pain relief:

I want the epidural immediately. Like, I want it before contractions even start. Hell, give me two of them. Is hypnosis? Is that a thing? If everyone’s cool, I wouldn’t be *against* weed…

During delivery, I would like:

You to do whatever you have to do to make it go as fast as humanly possible. Zero “you go girl” from any of the staff. My partner to be muzzled if they complain about how uncomfortable sleeping on the couch is. No mention of tearing, stitches, or whether I want a mirror or to feel the head (I don’t). Someone to document the experience (from the waist up only and don’t give me a double chin).

I’m okay with an episiotomy:

I will bring:

• A ring light
• Three suitcases
• An unnecessary blanket
• My pregnancy pillow

Immediately after delivery I want:

• My partner to cut the umbilical cord (must be heavily documented).
• A glass of chilled Champagne and a whole fucking sushi boat.
• Endless affirmations about how good I did.
• Absolutely zero mention about how baby resembles an old man.

I’ll accept visitors:

Only after I’ve slept, showered, and sort of figured out breastfeeding, and as long as they’re not my in-laws.

To manage pain after delivery give me:

• A cocktail, a Percocet, and a Xanax
• Stool softeners and laxatives (IYKYK)
• Some sort of exorcism

I’d like to stay in the hospital:

As long as humanly possible. Maybe until their first birthday? Just take it up with my insurance.