A List Of Things I’d Rather Spend $3,500 On Than A Virtual Headset

Apple’s Vision Pro headset is the latest futuristic gadget to grab your BF’s attention. And while the googly eyes make me feel like I’m in a horror movie, the tech seems pretty solid if you want to walk around with a screen in your face. To each their own. My main concern is with the price tag. Unfortunately, in this economy, I’m still saving up for groceries in the hope that someday I can taste a real vegetable again.

However, one could argue that budgeting is what you make of it. Some consider the seamless integration of the digital world an absolute necessity. While others were devastated to discover, the headset couldn’t provide a very real need: access to porn. The headset isn’t compatible with virtual porn, leading to angry users calling it a “$3,500 chastity belt.” I know I’d hate it if my VR goggles wouldn’t show me videos of naked people. So, if you’re also on a budget, here is a list of things you can spend $3,500 on instead of a virtual headset:

• 500 $7 lattes
• One week of groceries
• A cameo of Cate Blanchett telling me she loves me as part of an elaborate charity fundraiser
• Rent after it’s split among my five roommates
• Annual subscription to porn (not virtual, unfortunately)
• 1/2 a day of skiing with Gwyneth Paltrow
• Finally fix every light on in my car that I’ve ignored for three years
• Like 70 round-trip Ubers (plus tip!)
• Therapy session bundle I found on Groupon
• One night stay in Amangiri resort just to see why influencers like it so damn much
• For my bestie’s bachelorette weekend bc she decided it should be overseas
• Hair extensions that make me look like Jennifer Lawrence
• Eras tour after April 19th
• At least 1,166 bags of Scandinavian Swimmers from Trader Joe’s
• Three mini Gucci bags Miley wore to the Grammys
• 3,500 McSpicy’s from the dollar menu
• An hour session with a celebrity trainer to tell me I don’t need to work out
• A bribe for my cat to like me
• Weekly salary for a project manager to cancel plans for me
• Delivery fees for a month (why is my Chipotle order asking for my first born child?!)
• 100 Stanley cups
• A single chair