FYI: Women Not Wanting Children Has Nothing To Do With Vanity

Every few months, the internet circles back to its favorite sport: policing women’s bodies. This time, it kicked off with a post on X that read, “What if I told you we could fix the birth rates with the return of knee-high and thigh-high socks.” Because, obviously, thigh-high socks are the missing policy solution and not, say, the crumbling state of reproductive healthcare or the fact that women are exhausted. Someone else responded, “The declining birth rate isn’t because men don’t want to fuck. It’s because women don’t want to have kids… ask any under-30 woman if they want children. Most will say no.” And the response that really set everything off: “I’ve had multiple women in NYC tell me they don’t want to get pregnant because they’re afraid of what it will do to their body.” Cue outrage, think pieces, and men in the replies insisting women are shallow for not wanting to “ruin their bodies.”

So let’s be very clear: women don’t need a reason to not want kids. Not wanting to be a mother is a full sentence. But if we’re going to talk about pregnancy, then yes, we’re going to talk about what it actually does to women’s bodies — and spoiler alert, it’s not vanity to be afraid. Because pregnancy is not just glowing skin, baby showers, and quirky cravings. Pregnancy can be frightening. It can change your body permanently, alter your health, and — if you live in the United States — it can kill you. Literally.

Of course, there are cosmetic changes that people love to mock or minimize. Your nose can swell and widen because blood volume skyrockets during pregnancy. Fluid retention can puff up your face. Your hips expand to make room for an entirely new human. You gain weight because your body builds a placenta, grows extra blood, holds amniotic fluid, and literally reshapes your organs. Skin can darken in patches, stretch marks tear across your hips and stomach, and your hair texture can change. Some women even experience loose or shifting teeth due to hormonal changes that soften ligaments in the gums — yes, your teeth can literally feel like they’re wobbling. And that’s still the light stuff.

The serious part is what people love to gloss over with “but it’s all worth it.” In 2023, when the entire world was seeing a decrease in maternal mortality rates, the U.S. was one of the seven countries where there was a significant increase in the death of mothers due to pregnancy. Maternal mortality is not a historical problem, it’s here, right now, happening to women who went in expecting to come home with a newborn and instead never made it home at all. And the complications aren’t minor. Try preeclampsia, which can cause seizures, strokes, or organ failure. Postpartum hemorrhage, where you bleed so much your body starts to shut down. Blood clots. Infections. Heart failure because pregnancy can strain the cardiovascular system to a breaking point. Women develop gestational diabetes that can permanently alter their health. Pelvic floor trauma that makes sex painful and peeing involuntarily a new hobby. Pregnancy isn’t just a lifestyle choice — it is a medical risk.

And if you’re a woman of color, especially Black or Indigenous, that risk triples. Black women in the U.S. are three to four times more likely to die during pregnancy or childbirth than white women, even when accounting for income and education. Serena Williams literally had to beg medical professionals to listen when she felt something was wrong after giving birth. Women of color don’t just fear pregnancy, they fear the doctors who might ignore their pain, dismiss their symptoms, or kill them with negligence. So when someone says, “I don’t want to get pregnant because I’m scared,” that’s not melodrama. That’s historical memory and cold, hard facts.

Pile onto the current cultural dystopia where men online have taken a hard right into “red-pill” misogyny. tMore often than not, the same men who say women’s purpose is to give birth are also the ones who degrade mothers for “letting themselves go” and fetishize women who look 19 forever. And while this is happening, the government isn’t exactly reassuring, either. Under the Trump administration, we saw the rollback of Roe v. Wade protections, attempts to restrict birth control access, funding cuts to Planned Parenthood, and support for laws that allow doctors to refuse care based on “morals.” States across the country now have abortion bans so extreme that women are being turned away from hospitals while miscarrying because doctors fear legal consequences more than they fear letting women die. We are living in a time where women are told to have more babies while simultaneously being denied autonomy, healthcare, and safety. Do you want to rip your hair out right now as much as I do??

So no, this isn’t just about vanity or “bouncing back.” It’s about bodily autonomy. It’s about survival. It’s about looking at the statistics and saying, actually, I don’t want to risk death, disability, or lifelong trauma for a baby I never asked for. And you shouldn’t need to justify that to anyone. Whether you want kids, don’t want kids, or are still figuring it out — the choice should be yours, and it should be safe. But right now, for a lot of women, it doesn’t feel safe. It feels like stepping into a system that might celebrate your pregnancy but doesn’t care if you make it out alive.

So if women are saying they’re scared — of pregnancy, of doctors, of men, of losing their teeth, their lives, or their rights — maybe the answer isn’t thigh-high socks. Maybe the answer is to shut up and listen.