A Ranking Of My Favorite TV Bisexuals Based On How Insufferable They’d Be At A Gay Bar
As someone once told me, bisexuals are the middle child of the LGBTQ+ community. Meaning, we love attention but rarely get it. That’s why for Bi Visibility Day, I’m taking the time to be really obnoxious about my bisexuality — for the sake of the larger community, of course. That means, I’m shining my septum piercing, cuffing my pants, and wearing graphic tees that say shit like, “I’m here, I’m queer, my anxiety is moderate to severe.” And in an effort to thank our bisexual elders, I’ve turned to the characters who practically raised me. Without them, I’d probably be a depressed straight person rather than a depressed bisexual person. (It really is better, trust me.)
Here is an absolutely fair and not biased ranking of the TV bisexuals based on how fun they would be to hang out with at a gay bar.
A Ranking Of My Favorite TV Bisexuals
Adam Groff from Sex Education
Ugh, this guy. I know I’m supposed to applaud him for his character growth when he comes out. But I didn’t love that he played out the trope of the closeted queer who bullied out-and-proud gay kids because he couldn’t process his own sexuality. Also, he’d probably wanna spend all his time at Blazing Saddles and I’m all out of dollar bills. Last place.
Brittany from Glee
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Brittany gets a lot of points for relatability. I, too, thought making out with your best friend after school with a boyfriend on the side was totally normal and appropriate and not at all cheating. HAHA! Oops. But unlike Brittany, I never threw up at an assembly. 11th place because she’d probably break into song. We have drag queens for that, sweetie!
Nick Nelson from Heartstopper
Nick seems sweet and all, but I prefer messy bisexual characters. Our sexual identity is meant to wreak havoc!! Boring. 10th place.
Callie Torres from Grey’s Anatomy
Yes, Callie is annoying. But boy was she a lifeboat when there wasn’t a ton of bisexual representation on TV. However, we’ve since evolved and I can judge her as a stand alone character. Plus, the idea of being stuck at Stonewall talking to someone about gross medical procedures? Pass! 9th place.
Leila from The Bisexual
I had a very unhealthy obsession with filmmaker Desiree Akhavan for creating the show The Bisexual and movie Appropriate Behavior. But my love for the creator aside, Leila is this selfish, spiraling woman who needs a Zanax and a nap. I’ll catch you at Pride next year, girlie. 8th place.
Annalise Keating from How to Get Away With Murder
I had to put my bias aside that she’s played by VIOLA DAVIS, one of the greatest actors to grace our screens, and focus this ranking solely on the character. With that in mind, she’s a bisexual firecracker. I wouldn’t mind taking a shot or two at the bar with her, but she’d probably be checking her phone constantly for case updates. Snorefest. 7th place.
Petra Solano from Jane the Virgin
Petra Solano was a perfectly evil character until she goes through this major character arc, “grows” as a person, and eventually falls in love with Jane “J.R.” Ramos (played by Rosario Dawson). To be fair, I would also change my entire personality if I could kiss Rosario Dawson. However, I preferred her when she was a bitch. 6th place.
Rosa from Brooklyn Nine-Nine
Rosa is exactly the type of woman that I would let ruin my life. While some shows are casually referencing the ambiguous sexual identity of a character, Brooklyn Nine-Nine was pretty explicit about Rosa being bisexual. Respect. Also, she’d probably beat up anyone who cut me in the very long line to the gay bar’s bathroom. 5th place because she’s a cop.
Ava from Hacks
Ava is the epitome of the annoying generational cusper. Millennial enough for a side part, Gen Z enough to “well, actually” us to death. Also, she’s a comedian so I’d probably be hearing “new material” all night. She gets 4th place for the fuckass bob though. And the industry connections. I would LOVE to be a nepo baby!
Bob from Bob’s Burgers
Bob is a bisexual icon!!! I will fight anyone on this. While it’s not canonically confirmed, he mentions his sexuality in the episode “Turkey in a Can,” when he the deli cashier thinks he’s hitting on him. He’s married not dead. Also, Bob would fucking rage at Pride — and bring burgers. He already has plenty of friends in the trans community from his nights as a cab driver. 3rd place.
Villanelle from Killing Eve
I would literally let Villanelle eat me alive. I dressed up as her for Halloween and would worship her at an alter if there was a shrine available. Unfortunately, she’s a psychopathic murderer so she probably wouldn’t be that fun if someone bumped into her at the bar. But she’s rich so she could afford Reneé Rapp tickets to make up for her “overreaction.” My love language is gifts so 2nd place.
Ilana Wexler from Broad City
Illana is the chaotic bisexual representation I’m looking for. How can we not love her for the iconic line, “I’m 27! What am I? A child bride!” Also, I know she’d probably be the best person to party with in Hell’s Kitchen on a Friday night. She’d certainly “supply” the fun, if you know what I mean. Too bad we’ll probably get robbed or something horrible for the sake of “memories.”
Alex Claremont-Diaz from Red, White & Royal Blue
Umm you didn’t think I’d forgot the First Son of the United States?! Alex Clarement-Diaz is a fuckboi who discovers his true sexuality is actually simping within an inch of his life. To be fair, he gets a lot of points for just being hot, but he truly contains multitudes (like running a whole-ass campaign). More importantly, I have no doubt he would be a good drinking buddy. Enjoy first place, Mr. President.
Topics: The Bi Agenda, LGBTQIA+, Movies, TV
Melanie Whyte