I Went Through A Huge Breakup And My Friends Never Reached Out: Was I Expecting Too Much?

I recently went through a big breakup. Well, technically, it’s been over seven months now, and yes, I may have made it a part of my personality: The girl who ended her decade-long relationship three days before her 31st birthday… I digress. The breakup left me feeling disappointed with a few of my longterm friends, who never reached out to ask me if I was doing okay — yes, not even a text.

Being the millennial that I am, I turned to Reddit to seek answers from random strangers on the internet — and, let’s be honest, to have a bit of a rant. I anticipated a mixture of opinions, but many of the replies left me speechless and, frankly, shook my faith in humanity.

Quite a few Redditors told me that I was expecting too much and if I “feel the need to talk about it you should be the one to bring it up.” Don’t get me wrong, I’m not expecting friends to read my mind, but at the same time, it’s nice to feel like they care enough to occasionally get in touch, especially if they know that I’m going through a hard time.

Other Redditors told me that my friends probably felt too awkward to ask about my breakup, fearing it might upset me. One of the commenters wrote, “I wouldn’t bring up a friend’s relationship ending after the initial week or two. I wouldn’t want to remind them.” While another echoed, “I always feel like I’m hurting people or being nosey by asking them about bad things. I don’t want to cause them pain.” The thing is, I’m already upset regardless (I just went through a big breakup, hello?), and if I didn’t feel like speaking about something at the time, I’d politely say so.

It seems like we’ve entered an era of self-sufficient, emotionally superficial friendships, where each of us has to be self-sustaining enough to process emotions independently and to let our friends know “if they need anything” (hopefully not too much, though!) These kinds of connections often leave us feeling emotionally depleted and disappointed. After Reddit left me stumped, in my search for answers, I spoke to friendship experts on if we’re expecting too much from our adult relationships… or are we just being lazy?

Have we become too independent?

Image Credit: Max

“Society loves a ‘strong woman’ until she breaks down in the middle of her kitchen and suddenly everyone’s uncomfortable,” says Dr Jody Carrington, mental health and human connection expert and a bestselling author of Feeling Seen: Reconnecting in a Disconnected World. “We’re told to keep it together, move on quickly, and smile through it. That’s not emotional intelligence. That’s emotional suppression.”

She adds, “Here’s what I know for sure: when we lose access to each other, we lose access to the best parts of ourselves. And no amount of solo self-care (yoga, kale, meditating with your crystals) can replace the power of being seen by someone who knows your story and stays anyway.”

Are we expecting too much, or should we make more effort?

I get it, life happens, and we all get busy. I didn’t expect my friends to spend hours consoling me, feeding me ice cream and wine (although I wouldn’t have said no to it!) I am fully capable of processing emotions on my own, but it’s nice to be able to talk things out and hear different perspectives.

Expectations are a funny thing. You have too much of them, and you feel disappointed; you have too few, and while you might end up being pleasantly surprised, you’re also likely to become emotionally disconnected from those around you.

“I don’t believe in the ‘low-maintenance’ friendship concept,” Nina Badzin, a friendship expert and host of the DEAR NINA: Conversations About Friendship podcast, says. “I think that’s something people tell themselves so they’re not disappointed by the friends in their lives. It’s healthy to feel like your friends will be there in hard times, good times, and to catch up in between.”

She continues, “When it comes to expectations, remember that everyone has multiple family and work obligations, health and hobbies, and other friends. We can and should expect our friends to show up for us, but not at the expense of balance in their own lives.”

Have we become emotionally stunted post-COVID?

Image Credit: The CW

Is typing up a four-word text message really that much effort? Or are we all so emotionally stunted that we can’t ask a friend if they’re okay due to fear of them shedding a tear in front of us? God forbid we have to show empathy and console someone.

Dr. Jody says, “Hell yes, we are absolutely emotionally stunted. But not because we’re broken, selfish, or inherently bad at friendship. It’s because we’re fried. Emotionally dysregulated, tapped out, and terrified of doing the wrong thing — so instead of leaning in, we back the hell away.”

But that doesn’t mean we don’t do anything about it! “It means we talk about it,” she says. “We normalize the messy, the awkward, the real. We model it. We say, ‘I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.'”

What can we do to build more meaningful friendships?

I’m fully aware that friendships mature with age, but I’d being lying if I said I didn’t occasionally miss the teenage and early 20s friendships. Yes, it was like the blind leading the blind, and we were perhaps a tad (or very) dramatic. But, oh, they were so fun! We spent hours talking about everything and nothing instead of always rushing onto the next commitment. And we actually felt for our friends. Perhaps we could try harder to inject just a little bit of that spirit into our adult friendships.

According to Dr. Jody, we don’t live in the villages we were built for as human beings. “Our lives aren’t naturally woven together anymore,” she says. “So, if we want deep friendships, we’ve got to build them on purpose.” Yes, that means reaching out first sometimes. “Saying, ‘Hey, I think you’re cool, and I’d love to hang out,’ even if it feels like you’re back in junior high. It means going first with honesty. Asking better questions. Being okay with messy houses and unfinished stories. What’s missing in adult friendships isn’t love — it’s time, intention, and permission to be real.”

Perhaps the key to having more meaningful friendships is prioritizing those who share similar expectations to us, trying to approach people with compassion and curiosity that we long to be approached with, and accepting the imperfect. And putting some damn effort in!