How Big Is Too Big? I Broke Up With A Guy Because His Penis Is Too Big

Everyone’s been talking about big dicks lately. There was that very uncomfortable interview (on daytime television, might I add!) with the man who has the biggest penis in Britain. (12 inches to be exact.) Then an Australian OnlyFans creator went viral for saying he sometimes made up to $80K a month making content. While most people’s thoughts may have gone to important places like about the disparity between the responses to men and women’s sex work, my mind immediately asked, “What’s so special about him?” And a little journalistic digging later, I figured it out. This man, whose OnlyFans and Twitter name are “Girthmaster” btw, has a penis the size of a bottle of wine.

Now, I know so much of mainstream discourse around dicks is basically “the bigger the better,” but can we be very very real for a second here? I’m all for a decent-sized penis, but can we finally agree that for some people, a monster-sized schlong is totally unnecessary? Know how much I believe that? I actually broke up with a guy once because his penis was just too big.

Yes, you read that right. Let’s call him Big Dick Rick, or Rick for short. Rick and I met my sophomore year of college when I was going through the first of what I like to call my “insane years.” I was just off of my 15th breakup with the same guy when I decided to do something a little unorthodox. I shot my shot with this guy on Twitter. I had been following Rick for some time because I thought his tweets were hilarious and his profile picture was pretty cute. We started texting back and forth and eventually went on a date. We were soon hooked on each other — without even kissing.

We would text all day, everyday and Facetime every night. The more into each other we were, the more sexual the conversations became. The fact that our conversations flowed so much just made us that much more eager to go at each other. And then we finally decided to have sex.

Image Credit: HBO

Everything leading up to the sex went wrong that night — I should have known that the universe was sending me a sign to run. He texted me telling me he was on his way (a route that would typically take about 30 minutes) and an hour later I still had no word from him. I was sitting impatiently wearing a matching gray Calvin Klein set (it was 2016, people) getting more irritated by the minute. When it crossed into two hours without any word, I angrily left my dorm to meet up with my roommates who I had forced out of the place for my night. While there, I finally got a call from Rick. I picked up the phone ready to chew him out, and said, “You better have a good excuse.” He did. He got arrested.

Turns out he got pulled over for expired plates and the cops found a blunt in his car. He was put in a holding cell for a few hours and then released with a court date. I asked him if he just wanted to go home. He said, “You think after spending hours in jail, I don’t want to have sex?” In the next half hour, we were both at my dorm ready to finally sleep together.

The foreplay felt amazing. I was so into Rick and was finally getting to express it physically. Then, it was about to happen…

I felt his dick before I saw it. And when it felt like he was trying to shove a leg in me, I stopped cold and sat back, looking at it for the first time. I quite literally gasped.

Rick was about the size of a can of air freshener. Now that might not seem super daunting (porn has rotted your brains!) but I’m just a girl! Unaroused, a vagina is typically 2-4 inches long. When aroused, it can stretch anywhere from 3-7 inches and it definitely has the ability to stretch and lubricate, but remember that everyone’s vagina is different.

While Rick and I could talk for hours and loved being around each other, the sex just wouldn’t work. We tried extra lubrication and even getting super wasted but we just weren’t a good fit (literally). And while I was super into him, I was also super into sex. Sexual chemistry was just as important to me as emotional chemistry — and so I decided to say goodbye to Rick. We’re still really good friends and that’s all we could ever be.

So when I think about the “girthmaster,” I’m very happy for him and his success, but I don’t think his content is for me. I couldn’t even handle a can of air freshener, so a bottle of wine? I’ll stick to just drinking it.