Sex Isn’t Supposed To Be Painful — Here’s How To Fix It If It Is

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve spoken to women and their assumption is that sex is supposed to be painful. Let’s be real: sex is supposed to be fun, hot, and maybe a little sweaty and sometimes awkward — but painful? Not so much. Unless of course, you’re into some BDSM — but that’s a whole other conversation. Yet, for a lot of people (usually women), pain during sex is a common experience — so common in fact, that they think it’s supposed to happen. If you’re in that camp, don’t worry, you’re not alone, and more importantly, it doesn’t have to be this way. We talked to some experts who dropped major knowledge on why sex can hurt and how to make sure it doesn’t.

Is Pain During Sex Normal?

Image Credit: HBO

The short answer: no, but it is common. OBGYN and medical advisor at Flo Health, Dr. Tiffany Pham tells Betches, “Statistically, 3 out of 4 people may feel pain at some point in their lives while having sex.” This doesn’t mean you should expect sex to hurt, though. Pain during sex, medically known as dyspareunia, can affect anywhere from 10-28% of people during their lifetime. This pain might be felt externally on the vulva, internally in the vagina, or even deeper in the pelvic region.

But when it comes to sex, women’s feelings and pleasure are often put on the back burner.

“Women may believe that sex is supposed to be painful because that is probably what they’ve experienced and don’t realize that they can possibly ease the pain of sexual vaginal intercourse,” sexpert for Lovers sexual wellness brand and Marla Renee Stewart tells Betches. So, while pain is something a lot of people experience, it’s not something you just have to live with.

What Causes Pain During Sex?

So, what’s behind this pain? “Dyspareunia can be caused by structural or anatomical problems, trauma, infection or inflammatory conditions, hormonal issues or even be influenced by psychosocial factors,” Dr. Pham says. In plain English, this means that anything from not being aroused enough, to an infection, or even stress can lead to discomfort.

Stewart explains further that “vaginal penetration causes microtears in the vaginal canal,” especially if you’re experiencing dryness or conditions like vaginismus. Basically, when things aren’t as slick down there as they should be, the friction can lead to tiny tears that hurt like hell.

It’s also worth noting that if you’re new to sex or trying something different (like a toy that’s a little bigger than you’re used to), the stretching of the vaginal entrance can be uncomfortable. “When you have vaginal penetration for the first time, you’ll feel the stretching, and as you get used to that feeling, the girthier the object, the more you may have some vaginal stretching, which for some people can be painful,” Stewart says. But again, this doesn’t mean pain is something you should just suck up and deal with.

How To Have Painless Sex

Now, let’s get to the part you’re really here for: how to make sex not hurt. There are a few steps you can take to make sure your time between the sheets is pain-free and, you know, enjoyable.

Use Lube. Seriously, Use It.

I cannot emphasize the importance of lube enough. Even if you think you get super wet down there, there’s no shame in adding in more lubrication.

“If sex is often painful for you, you must first identify where you think the pain is coming from,” Stewart says. Sometimes, our bodies don’t produce enough natural lubrication, and that’s totally okay. There’s no shame in reaching for the bottle to make things smoother.

Communicate With Your Partner.

If something doesn’t feel right, speak up! Sex is supposed to be a two-way street, and your partner needs to know if you’re in pain. They can’t read your mind, so don’t be shy about telling them what you need — or don’t need.

Talk To Your Gynecologist

If pain persists, it’s time to consult a professional. “You may have an internal biological issue that may be causing the pain and your gynecologist may be able to look to see how they can help you,” Stewart says. Whether it’s a prescription for dilators or a referral to a pelvic floor therapist, a doctor can help you figure out what’s going on.

Take Your Time

Dr. Pham advises to consider factors like whether you’re adequately aroused and lubricated before diving into penetration. Rushing things can lead to discomfort, so take your time with foreplay and make sure you’re truly ready before moving on to the main event.

Remember, sex is meant to be a pleasurable experience, not something you dread. If you’re dealing with pain, know that there are ways to fix it, and you deserve to have a sex life that’s fun, exciting, and — most importantly — pain-free.