Help! I Want To Get Out Of A Sexual Rut But I’m Just Not That Kinky

There are moments when I speak to someone about “spicing things up in the bedroom” where their eyes go wide, and I can literally feel the fear emitting from them. I’m not sure exactly what’s going on in their heads, but I can make a pretty good guess… and it’s usually something to the effect of Rihanna’s voice singing out, “Chains and whips excite me.” That’s because they hear things like “risky sex” and immediately think it involves something dangerous or even painful. But the reality is that “risky” and “spice” are all subjective, and it doesn’t necessarily mean BDSM is involved (unless, of course, you want it to be).

The truth is, when we hear “risky,” we’re not talking about playing hopscotch with safety concerns or throwing caution to the wind. No one’s suggesting you grab the nearest blindfold and jump straight into a Fifty Shades scenario (unless, again, that’s your vibe). Psychotherapist Esther Perel said it best in her new couples course, “Bringing Desire Back.”

“Risk doesn’t mean dangerous,” Perel explains. “It just means the opposite of comfortable, predictable, knowing, familiar. Because when you do something risky together, it generates excitement.” And honestly, who doesn’t want that added spark in their relationship?

How Do I Get Out Of A Sexual Rut?

Image Credit: Focus Features

Now, before you panic and think you’re about to be handed a checklist of leather-bound accessories, let’s dial it back. “Risky” can be as simple as breaking free from your usual routine. Maybe you’re always doing it at the same time of day, in the same position, with the same playlist. If you’re anything like me, this can start to feel like you’re running through a scripted performance — and no one’s getting an Oscar for that.

Start with something that feels just a little out of your norm. Try a new position, explore a different room in your apartment (shout out to the kitchen counter for always keeping things spicy), or even have a playful convo about fantasies. The point is to try something that feels new, exciting, and maybe even a little unknown. Remember, excitement doesn’t require a literal blindfold. It’s about stepping outside the familiar.

Spice Things Up In The Bedroom… Within Your Comfort Zone

There’s a big difference between a healthy sense of risk and one that’s crossing a line. Healthy risk is all about trust, communication, and mutual curiosity. It’s where both partners are involved, excited, and making sure they’re on the same page. If something feels genuinely unsafe or makes you uneasy, that’s a sign to step back and reassess.

On the flip side, unhealthy risk comes with a lack of consent, disrespect, or coercion. It’s when one partner pushes boundaries in a way that doesn’t feel good or agreed upon. That’s a hard no, and it’s important to establish boundaries before diving into anything “new.”

At the end of the day, the spice factor in your relationship is whatever you want it to be. Whether it’s testing the waters with some role-play or simply switching up your go-to routine, taking a step into the unknown can totally reignite your connection. Just remember, “risky” doesn’t have to be dangerous — it can be thrilling in all the right ways.