Your Grandparents Are Having Better Sex Than You

Let’s rip the Band-Aid off, shall we? Your grandparents — yes, the ones who still think Facebook is “new technology” — are likely having better sex than you. A recent study from Carewell, a home medical supply company, revealed that more than one in three Americans over the age of 55 are getting it on at least once a week. And if that doesn’t make you want to reevaluate your Friday night plans, consider this: People in their 70s are having more sex than those in their mid-50s.

And they’re not just having lots of sex, they’re getting pretty freaky with it. Carewell revealed that they’re not just having vanilla, lights-off-in-missionary-position sessions — over a quarter of respondents said they’re open to trying new things in the bedroom, which means that your Nana and Pop-Pop are out here experimenting and taking risks in ways that would put and that awkward Hinge hookup from three months ago to shame.

Image Credit: Columbia Pictures

But before you think “if seniors are fucking, I should be too,” you’re going to want to pump the brakes. If you’re currently debating texting your ex to reignite whatever lukewarm flame you had going last year, let this sink in: The retirement crowd is not only outpacing you in the sheets, but they’re also reporting that their satisfaction is deeply tied to emotional connection. So, no, do not text your ex who only texts you at 11pm and only responds to half of the things you say.

Now, while I commend the older crowd for practicing emotional safety, their idea of sexual safety could definitely use some work. With no risk of pregnancy, a shocking 45% of seniors who aren’t in monogamous relationships said they aren’t using condoms. While we applaud their carefree approach to life (and sex), let’s remember that STDs don’t retire just because you do. And I’m sure we’d all like to avoid explaining to your doctor how you got chlamydia at a bingo night.

Now, as someone who plans to have sex for as long as my body will let me, this is hopeful news, but it’s also kind of a wake up call. We should all be striving to have satisfying and fun sex lives (if that’s something you’re into!) — and we should be doing that with people that know how to emotionally take care of us! So if you’ve been having way less sex than you’d want with people who would dodge an emergency call from you because they’re “not in the mood,” now’s the time to get things in line. Because if your grandparents can navigate creaky joints, lower libidos, and 9 p.m. bedtimes to maintain thriving sex lives, what’s your excuse?