Break Free From That Crush! Watch For These Spotify Wrapped Red Flags On Their Insta Stories

Sure, you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but Spotify Wrapped is a different beast entirely. Like old folks always say, music is a window into the soul or some bullshit like that. So, now is the perfect opportunity to stalk your crushes, situationships, and not-so-regrettable hook-ups to gather all the info you need to safeguard your heart.

Last year listeners created over 200,000 “break-up” playlists, so recognizing these red flags might just save you from streaming them on Valentine’s Day 2024. I mean, I wouldn’t wish “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” on my worst enemy. Remember, EDM is not a phase! These are grown people with terrible taste! Trust them when they show this very embarassing side of themselves. Godspeed.

1. If Zach Bryan is their top artist
2. If they’ve played Benson Boone’s “Beautiful Things” in the double digits. Have you heard of anxious attachment?
3. #1 Podcast is Joe Rogan 🤢
4. They refer to their music taste as “coastal cowgirl.” I promise you, she’s not hot enough to treat you like that.
5. Kanye. Just in general.
6. Any EDM. Like ALL house music. If his name is Brett, you should’ve known better.
7. Men’s Motivational Affirmations (Affirmations are for the femmes and thems only!!!)
8. If all of their top songs are from TikTok trends. Pls get a personality.
9. Their top audiobook is “A Court of Thorns & Roses” (JK this is a green flag but def note that they’re very, very horny)
10. “Box fan noise for sleep.” Welcome to Dissociation Station, party of one.
11. If the Wicked soundtrack is their top album. We get it. You like musicals.
12. Their Spotify Wrapped season is “Pumpkin Spice Strut Power Ballad.” What in the basic-bitch hell?
13. “Wonderwall” is their most played song
14. Beyoncé isn’t in their top artists
15. They listened to 4,309 minutes of Hozier. Check in with them. They’re clearly going through something.
16. They only listened to like 532 minutes of music this year. Are they an insane person who is comfortable sitting with their own thoughts? Psychotic behavior.
17. They listened to over 95,000 minutes of music. That’s like 66 days nonstop. When was the last time they interacted with a human being?
18. Top genre is Ska but they’ve never watched the movie Shrek
19. They were one of the 75% of men who created a playlist related to the Roman Empire. Do you really want to listen to “Viva La Vida” by Coldplay when you walk down the aisle?
20. Most played album is Taylor Swift but it’s not Taylor’s Version. (Scooter Braun apologist!)
21. Brags about being a top 0.5% listener of Eminem
22. They have zero female artists across their entire Spotify Wrapped
23. They have a “pickleball-related playlist.” Sure, they’re rich but they’re also old enough to be your grandparent.
24. Editing their Spotify Wrapped to show R Kelly as a joke. Haha, you’re not funny.
25. The top .005% of Travis Scott listeners but has never watched The Kardashians.
26. They make their Spotify Wrapped their entire personality for the rest of the year.
27. They try to use Spotify Wrapped to slide into your DMs. “I also like gay pop girlies.”
28. Top genre is “Pop Caviar.” What does that even mean?!
29. They listened to “Challengers (Match Point)” 3,000 times. Typically at the gym.
30. They use Apple Music

• Yes, I’m Judging Your Insta Story RN: What Your Spotify Wrapped Says About You